Recessionally Yours...

I wish I could tell you that Krissy fought the good fight.

2012-01-06T09:13:00.002-05:00

2011 sucked. Sucked isn't the right word, because it was way worse. The kidney infection that put me in the hospital was like a happy time in comparison to what happened shortly after.

My little brother died. Jimmy. We were close….and he meant the world to me. Now my world is gone. It's been a really hard road for my family and I, but we are somehow still crawling along through the shit. We are like Shawshank up in here, but I honestly don't know if the shit tunnel will ever end.

Anyway, I haven't felt like waking up in the morning, let alone blogging. But now I am at the point where I need to do something or I will implode.

So, I am starting a new blog. I think I will call it, "life sucks and then your brother dies". I'm kidding. That's awful. Even if it is true.

It's not going to be all like, "waa waaa, feel sorry for me" or anything. It will be like this one. Focusing on stupid stuff helps me repress all my soul-crushing thoughts and emotions, so I will continue to ramble on about lame crap I'm sure. I just need a change of scenery.

So yeah, this is probably my last post on here. If you want my new blog url, hit me up and I'll send it to you as soon as I set the shit up.

Peace out jerks.

If you wanna poo, poo in this

2011-02-17T14:15:00.004-05:00

It occurred to me today that there are tons of people that have never scrubbed and cleaned a bathroom before. I always think of it as just something that you have to do from time to time, but it really isn’t. Not for everyone. And I’m not even talking about rich people. Of course Paris Hilton has never had to clean a toilet. But there are dudes that went from mom to college to girlfriend to wife, and they can be in their forties and have never, ever had to spray scrubbing bubbles in the tub and lean over to try and vigorously scrub away the stains that form underneath their shampoo. This is almost incomprehensible to me. To me it’s just something like laundry, taxes and breathing.

Lucky bastards. I will say that there is something humbling about being crouched down next to your toilet, trying to scrub away God knows what underneath the base of the bowl. The feeling of cleanness and accomplishment afterwards is nice too. But it’s not like I would shed any tears if you said, “Krissy, you will never have to clean a bathroom again”. That would be amazing. Then again…who the hell would clean it??

I know being a chic makes me pretty much the obvious choice in household scrubbing duties. And that’s fine because it’s not the worst thing. I hate to stereotype (but I will anyway); most dudes don’t really clean. Yes they will straighten up. They will organize. They will de-clutter. But their idea of cleaning a bathroom is wiping down the sink, throwing your blow dryer in a drawer you will never think of opening, and squirting some toilet bowl cleaner in the toilet. I would rather do it myself.

Hanging picture frames and fixing broken things are things I absolutely LOATHE doing. But most dudes would rather hang 100 picture frames then get on their hands and knees and clean the bathroom floor. Maybe it’s a fair trade. Hm.

Blah. I have been uninspired lately, which I think is pretty obvious by my lack of blogs. Uninspired or lazy. Or both. I want to change this whole page, but I have to wait until I get my sweet new computer. Is that just another excuse? Maybe.

I had the flu for ten days and I feel like I have sweat out every fluid inside of me. I am so fucking thirsty all the time now! In my normal dramatic fashion, I had pretty much told everyone I was on my deathbed, and started passing out dibs on my stuff to my sisters and friends. Sorry everyone, I’m still alive. No coffeemaker for you, Kathy. Hopefully you value me more than a coffeemaker; if not, maybe you can have hope in the fact that at any moment I could be hit by a bus full of nuns, or spontaneously combust in the check-out line at Target.

In other sad news, I haven’t had a beer in a week. Or wine. Or whiskey. Oh my God. I really might spontaneously combust.

SHAKE 'N' BAKE!!!

2010-08-20T14:48:00.002-04:00

We built this city....

2010-08-19T15:08:00.002-04:00

...on many things, and not a single one of them has to do with Lebron.

This town is going to be A-OK. So, we were all duped by an egocentric infant. We all put our faith in someone that we thought was the real thing, only to have that someone rip our hearts out. WE WILL GET OVER IT.

The Cavaliers could surprise us, who knows. If I were anyone on that team, I would work my ass off to show the world that I wasn’t just a scrub. That I wasn’t just a piece of Lebron’s twisted puzzle. And…if they don’t, well…..they are still our Cavs.

And in some weird ass way…isn’t it kind of fun hating Lebron? I mean, he couldn’t win us a championship. Every year was a serious disappointment. After those last few games I couldn’t help but think, “who needs you anyway?? Not us!” (which is sooo not true, because in many, many ways we needed Lebron). So if we can’t worship him, what’s the next best thing?

Hating his filthy guts! :)

And he makes it SOOOOO easy! I mean, now he’s saying that Akron people hate Cleveland people??? Speak for yourself, buddy! I mean, really. I know that there is a little bit of that in some parts of these great cities, but as a former resident of both I can attest to the fact that we all consider ourselves Ohioans. The Akron pride thing can seem a little facist at times, but they are just proud of their city. Other than my ex (you know who you are!), I don’t know too many Akronites that hate Cleveland. I know I love Akron!

I don’t know…maybe I’m being too cheerfully optimistic. Either way, if I were Akron I would tell Lebron to stop speaking for me. And then I would also tell him to punch himself in the nuts.

ANYWAY...how about those Browns??

I’m actually getting worried with all these injury reports. Hardesty, Zastudil, D’Qwell, and now Massaquoi? WTF?? I swear if Cribbs or Thomas gets hurt, I will throw a mini temper tantrum. For now, I am taking deep breaths and patiently awaiting the first (real) game. I AM SO EXCITED FOR FOOTBALL!!!! I just can’t take it! I went to training camp a few weeks ago, and they just looked great. And the first preseason game, they looked great again. But if I have learned anything in my 32-years of being a Browns fan, it’s that preseason means absolutely nothing. I mean, it’s fun to watch guys you usually don’t see play very much, and it’s fun to listen to Bernie. But we have many really wonderful preseasons, only to result in a horrible regular season.

We will see. No matter what, I’m excited! I can’t wait to get my heat warmers and my big browns coat and brave the cold snow off the shores of our lovely Lake Erie. Tailgating, football, friends……it doesn’t get much better.

Lebron WHO?

Time to start collecting Star Trek action figures....

2010-08-16T15:02:00.003-04:00

So my buddy nikki, my other retarded half, is moving to sunny Florida. I am going to miss her like crazy, but I am also excited for her at the same time. I seriously can't imagine her not being around....it really just hasn't hit me yet. it's going to be sad times when it does.

You know what's even more sad? My 32-year old ass is moving into my parents' basement through the winter. It's just for a few months, but I'm going to have a hard time being out of the city, and also not having all my things around me. People that are close to me already know this, but my parents house is full of other humans. It will be me, mom, dad, sonny boy, the girl, and grandma. my sisters and my niece and nephew all live within a mile of the house, so they are over a lot too. how crazy is it that I am going to live with my parents AND my little brother, my little brother's girlfriend, AND my soon-to-be 90-year old grandma? my soon-to-be 90-year old grandma that is not your typical milk and cookies, pinch your cheeks and say nice things grandma.....more like the you shouldn't eat that you're getting fat, why are you wearing that you like like a prostitute, bring me a better fork this one is too heavy, you shouldn't have put nuts in the carrot cake otherwise it was okay kind of grandma. but...she is getting old, she is still pretty witty and it might not be the worst thing ever to spend some time with her.

i say that now. ask me if i still feel this way in two months.

at least i will have a ton of blog material :)

i AM excited to spend more time with the family. and my bed will be lovingly placed right next to my dad's bar. there's a fridge, but no tap. i will have to work on that.

Another thing I'm excited about....football season is here!!!! yay!!! AND i am back on a fantasy team. Shake 'n' Bake has been resurrected. I didn't do it last year so i feel so out of the loop. i mean, LT was still the number one back on the list the last time i played. it has totally changed since then. and I'm in a league with my brother, brothers-in-law, and even my sisters! it's going to be sweetness. i seriously need to study up.

the effects of a whiskey island summer sunday are starting to hit me. time for some dinner, tv, and lots of zzzzzs.

Icehouse will kill your goalie and kick itself down your throat

2010-06-21T15:44:00.009-04:00

I attempted to watch a soccer game last week...and...um....i couldn't finish. i was sooo bored! i mean, what? THIS is what everyone in the world is so passionate about?? yikes. It feels like bad sex. it's like you are constantly RIGHT there, but you just can't get it in the hole. they jab around but never quite make it in. when they finally do, it's like sooooo unsatisfying.

no wonder they say "goooooaaaaalll" for so long. they need to stretch it out because it might not happen again. literally.

and then there are so many ties (which somehow equal wins), the scores are super low and the clock pretty much means nothing. i mean...what's the point of that thing anyway?

maybe i'm too much of an american football girl, i don't know. i just can't see how people can watch an entire soccer match at all, let alone with any sort of intensity. i mean, i love the history of soccer and the culture behind all of it....i love that the whole world is involved....i just can't do it. i tried. maybe i will give it another shot during the next US game....we will see.

and those horns are NOT helping. although my favorite thing about soccer right now is the vuvuzela app on my phone. instantly adds annoyance to anything. so great.

In more local news....our new fern has a name, and that name is Don King. As crazy-haired as the man whom after he is named, he looks very handsome on the porch in between his two lovely ladies. I'm thinking they should be named Patience and Impatience, the Impatiens....but i will have to run that by nikki when we are sober. what? the plants will die by then? very funny.

I just hope DK doesn't start setting up fights between the marigolds and the herbs. If he does....I'm putting money on the herbs. That mint is a BEAST.

Did i say mint? i meant "mojito plant".

Also, we somehow drank this Icehouse tall boy that we've had in the fridge since we pretty much moved in. we ran out of beer, and even though Danny was on his way with more, we couldn't wait.

BAD call. the only way out of Icehouse City is with a raging headache and the desire to want to rip your stomach out. How did i ever drink those when i was younger? oh yeah, i was younger.

So other than leaving this weekend with a horrible hangover, it was pretty good. I actually took off Friday and rode the towpath trail with Gary, my bike. He and I haven't been there in years. it was great. we were both very happy and filled with memories. Seriously though, i don't know if it was because it was 9am and still a little cool, the sun was shining everywhere and the views were so pretty....but the endorphins were kicking like crazy in my brain. i felt really, really happy and full of life. when i got to about eight miles, i was thinking about how i could go thirty miles, but i wanted to go shower up for my lunch date with my old buddy lizette. when i turned around, it was more uphill, it got warmer and i had greatly overestimated my energy level. holy jeez. it was not as "wow, the world is so pretty i'm so happy" it was more like, "ugh....where is the next mile marker???". So i went 16 miles (before noon even!), got to my buddies house and showered, then met lizette and mike d at the old lime spider, now called the Lockview, for lunch. it was yummy. Any grilled cheese with goat cheese is a friend of mine.

Also I bought some homemade strawberry jam from Lizette, which i highly recommend...she sells it for 4 bucks a jar and it's delicious!!

it's weird hanging out in the AK again....but i must say they are doing some nice things. it looks a lot better than when i lived there and zip strip paraded it up.

tonight i will be out in the rowdy....and will hopefully find a nice patio to drink some yummies on. and by "yummies" i mean the sweat of young Philippino men. Jk. that's gross. any young man will do.

i need a beer.

Make him an offer he can't refuse...

2010-06-14T14:15:00.013-04:00

By now everyone knows that Tom Izzo has spoken with Dan Gilbert about his offer to coach the Cavs. I know Gilbert loooves Michigan State Universtity and the state of Michigan in general, but it feels like fanboy moves to try and get him to coach for us.

Not that Tom Izzo isn’t amazing. He is seriously one of the best college coaches of all-time. But I just thought it was kind of a weird move. Ideally, if money were no object, I would say he should probably stay in college ball. He’s just so good at it. BUT….all these people that are pissed off at him for considering the Cavs job are really getting on my nerves. Dan Gilbert offered him 30 MILLION dollars. At that point he really has to think about his family and his career, because with that money he is set for life. Whether or not the Cavs thing works out in the long run, he will be set, his kids will be pretty set. Secondly, maybe he actually wants to try something else out. He already mastered coaching college hoops. Why not try his hand at something else? It may not work out (and in most cases it doesn’t), but he might feel like he owes it to himself to try. The only way to really grow is to continually challenge yourself. This would definitely do that.

But….will Lebron stay? That feels like the deal maker or breaker. I mean, really…without Lebron, this team is shot. Izzo could still take the 30 million and coach the team, whether or not Lebron is there. But whether or not this will work out all depends on Mr. James. Mr. James, who is totally being a prima donna. I know he sort of has to be that way, but I feel like he is getting way too into it. and I mean, I want him to stay. He is an incredible athlete, and could very well be the best. But I’m sick of everyone fucking kissing his ass.

I was sooooo disappointed when he played those last few games against Boston. Not because he played shitty. Not because we lost. But because he didn’t even look like he cared. There was something different about him. In his eyes, in the way he carried himself…..in everything. You could see it. You could FEEL it. And you know what? FUCK HIM. This city went crazy supporting him and the team and sat on the edge of our seats with pain in our hearts as we watched him just GIVE UP. he fucking gave up.

Fuck him for that. seriously.

If he had some glorious unselfish reason that he gave up on us, I would love to hear it. because it felt like one of your heroes just ignored you and walked away.

With that said, I still want him to come back. Part of me doesn’t, but the other part really wants james and some really great roster moves. James and Bosch?? That would be amazing.

Right now I am in love with…

The Seidio phone case for my droid
Cilantro
Goat cheese
pamplemousse la croix
The mojito plant in our backyard
Lake erie monster
Butter and corn from Szalay’s farm
Liquid planet
The Blind Side and Michael Oher (even if he IS a raven now)
Rita’s Italian ice and custard
My new gingham sandals
rare to medium-rare prime rib burgers on the grill with fresh bread
Radlers and other types of Lemonade beer
Cupcake experimentation
How my niece literally knows all the words to "hey soul sister"
napping in the sun

Right now I have murderous thoughts about…

The Celtics
The constant horn sound during the world cup games…matches…whatever.
The assfucks at Conklin dairy farm
The spiders hanging out all over our back porch
People that talk for ten minutes straight without taking a breath
2:30 fatigue
the mess that is route 77

Aight. I'm out. one last thing....does anyone know when Gilbert became an Italian gangster?

Izzo and James? fuhgettaboudit.

She must be obsessed.

2010-03-31T17:23:00.004-04:00

-“A good way to keep healthy is too eat more Chinese food”. Pretty sad when even your fortune cookies are trying to sell you something.

-I am very upset with the jerks that keep stealing the Browns stickers from my car. First it was the elf window cling, now it’s my Browns bumper sticker. I know I work in the ghetto, but come ON. You are stealing my bumper sticker? Really? My Cleveland browns bumper sticker?? What is the point of that? I mean…seriously. Does it get any more worthless? Wait, scratch that. I’m thinking that a certain Steelers jersey with a number 7 on it isn’t looking like it’s worth much these days either.

-Ben Roethlisberger apparently can’t stop hanging out with young college girls. And by “hanging out” I mean “forcefully putting his penis in their vaginas when they are shitface drunk”.

-I walked into Ross’s deli the other day to buy a mini-keg of Two Hearted. I am obviously moving up in the world. First it was cans to bottles when I got out of college. Now I’m up to mini-kegs. Soon enough I will have a kegerator and I will be buying kegs in bulk. I guess it would make sense if I were throwing some insane parties or something. But yeah…no.

-My body is trying to keep me out of work. Seriously, I walked into work the other day and the ball of my foot started hurting like crazy and I had to limp around the office. It’s been two days and it still hasn’t gone away and I’m hobbling around like a moron. The weird thing is, I did nothing to make it happen. It just happened. I think I’m allergic to my job.

-If I could eat homemade pasta from the West Side Market every day, I think I would. The fact that it’s 6 bucks a pound helps to keep that from happening, thank God. I don’t think pasta every day is going to help me lose weight.

-Lasagna is my favorite food. And my mom is making it for Easter dinner. It’s nice to be Italian. We don’t always have to eat ham on Easter and there is always pasta around. Hence the fatness thing I have going on.

-Marathons. Nikki and I ran one. Yes, I know….it has to be 26 miles or whatever to be an actual “marathon”. But it makes us feel cool saying it so LAY OFF! It was only 2-miles, but we ran the whole time and I beat her by two-tenths of a second. Even with the stiff arm she threw me at the finish line. I’m like mother fuckin’ Jackie Joyner Krissy.

-I like to look at the bullet hole in my big office window. It brings me back to my roots….the streets of North Olmsted were very, very tough. Great Northern Mall? Shiiiit. You would be lucky to get out of there without someone saying hello to you and asking how your mother is doing these days. I know….life was hard.

-Ben Curtis is my new favorite golfer (although I still love that big ol’ slut Tiger). He grew up in Ohio, went to Kent State, and loves the Cleveland Browns. He’s like me, only he has a penis and he’s older and he’s good at golf. Yeah, just like me. I don’t know why it makes me giddy when someone on tv or on the radio says, “I am a Cleveland Browns fan”…but it so does. I was listening to Mike and Mike this morning and Ben Curtis said that and I literally said “yay!”, took my hands off the steering wheel and started clapping. I gave that old lady crossing the street quite a scare when I swerved towards her….but I’m sure she would understand. There are famous people that like the Browns? Really?? You don’t really hear that too often. Because, you know, they kind of suck. Unless of course its from Drew Carey, and I think everyone in the universe knows how much he loves Cleveland. I mean, I don’t even think I like Cleveland THAT much….and I have it tattooed on my ass.

-I don’t have any tattoos. Although I’m thinking about getting a very elaborate city scene with a Jesus Godzilla type thing on my back, and He’s trampling on all the rapists and murderers (aka Ben Roethlisberger and Ray Lewis) with his ginormous sandals. It will be like my interpretation of Revelations, in skin art form.

-I just put a pair of flip flops on! They looked up at me like...."are you sure??". And you know what? I'm not sure. Are you ever sure about the weather in Cleveland? The answer is no. Never. If someone told me it was going to snow in August, I would believe them. But right now....I'm loving the fact that it's hot out in March. Time for some porch beers :)

I Choo-Choo-Choose you Lebron...

2010-02-15T16:50:00.004-05:00

...to be the All-Star of my heart!

hahahaha. I'm so retarded.

I watched most of the All-Star game the other night, although really I just watched the introductions and sort of watched the rest of the game in the background. It’s actually a fun game to watch (unlike the Pro-Bowl) because there is no defense and it’s really just sweet dunks and amazing shots. It also reminded me that when you are watching Lebron James, you are really witnessing something incredible. I mean, I really started to convince myself that if the enormous plasma scoreboard thing broke loose and started falling, Lebron would swoop up and hold it until everyone ran for safety, and then he would hurl the scoreboard into space. NOT Dwight Howard or Shaq or Clark Kent, but Mr. James.

It’s got to be similar to what it felt like watching Michael Jordan. I mean, I knew he was great when he was playing…I just wasn’t that into basketball. Seriously, early in his career I was too busy dancing around to Madonna and playing with My Little Ponies. And later in his career, I was too busy listening to Rage Against the Machine and pretending I hated the sun. But even though I didn’t really get into basketball then, I knew the dude was something else. And when I went to college and actually started watching and understanding basketball, there was no denying that there was no one like him...in any sport. That is until Lebron came along. When he started out he was a prodigy...and now he is even BETTER, if you can believe that shit. He has refined so much of his game, and if he keeps doing that, he is going to grow an extra chromosome or something to make him an evolutionary miracle.

I just can’t get over it sometimes when I’m watching a game. I’m like, “is anyone else seeing this???? seriously??” Just amazing.

Also, the halftime show must have been “battle of the child-bearing hips”. Jeez. I mean, I’ve got quite a set of hips myself, but it’s weird seeing two chics on stage with meat on their bones. Watching Shakira dry-hump the pole of the cage she climbed out of was great family fun. Probably gave the members of The Who each a heart attack.

And lastly....really, Dallas? Really? Do you have to live up to the "Everything's Bigger In Texas" motto? I mean, there are starving people all over the earth and we are building the world's biggest television on which we watch our own version of football while we are actually at the game. Jeez. No wonder everyone hates us!

Well....most of us. The world doesn't hate LBJ, that's for sure. My buddy said there was an enormous mural of him in a hotel in Shanghai. So I guess he is not just Cleveland's valentine anymore, and definitely not just Akron's either.

But he will always be mine!

Cranial Violations and Sodomy

2010-02-11T11:47:00.005-05:00

8:15 am, CVS. I have to be at work at 8:30, and I’m looking at 15 solid minutes of driving from CVS to my office. So I am hoping my CVS visit is painless.

Why would I ever think that is possible? I don’t think you can EVER walk into a CVS or a Walgreens and emerge before twenty minutes of your life is drained from your soul.

All I wanted was something to drink (just one pepsi!) and I find it, but then realize because I have a one-dollar coupon I am about to put 59 cents on my card. So I study my surroundings for a minute, and then quickly decide on some True North almond, pistachio, pecan and walnut mix. I figured, it’s delicious, and I like to have it around for snacky snack time so whatevs.

When I walked in there was no line at all. Three minutes later, when it’s time to check out, the line has become a monster with two heads. So, I pick the smaller head, walk around the back of the store to get in the aisle where the line is, and assume the waiting position.

I wait while numerous people have serious issues with their CVS purchases. “I thought these were two for a dollar? The sign said it!” …“No sir, they are buy one get one free, and they are 1.49 each.” …“I’m not making this up, the sign said two for a dollar!!”. Seriously dude? I was ready to throw two quarters at him, then rip the sign off and plaster it on his face. Ugh.

Of course he was wrong.

In the other line, there is seriously a lady with one of those mini shopping carts, filled to the brim. WHO GOES TO CVS AT 8AM AND FILLS UP A SHOPPING CART??

When it is FINALLY my turn, the cashier in the other line asks me to step over. So I do. But while I step over, losing my place in my line (where I was ready to be rung up as soon as I walked away), a random savage comes up to him and asks him if they have some boxes he can have. He says no, and the guy can’t believe it. He asks him at least three more times, to which the cashier guy keeps saying no. He asks for the manager. The cashier guy says that he is the manager and then the savage throws his hands up and walks out, sans boxes.

SOOOOOO…..I give the guy my one dollar coupon, my drink, and my nuts. (heh. nuts.) The total comes up and I slide my card. I slide my card again. I slide it a third time. Card swiping error. I am somewhat insulted that the machine assumes it’s my faulty swiping, but I swipe again. The guy resets it and I swipe again. And again. And again. He just stands there and stares at me. I am looking at him for some fucking help, but instead he keeps pressing a button on the cash register and waits for me to swipe again. I swiped my card AT LEAST fifteen times before I was finally like, “UM…is there another way we can do this?? because obviously this isn’t working”. He then takes my card, swipes it on the register, and wha-la…it works. Holy fucking crap.

I don’t even think I took my receipt, and I am a receipt hoarder. I ran out of there faster than the Jon and Kate guy would now run out an anyone who utters the words “I’m pregnant”.

I got to work twenty minutes late. Twenty minutes I would have rather been actually working, or having a root canal, or punching myself in the face.

And the drink I got….SUCKED. thanks a lot CVS. Jerks.

Show us your....bunny!

2009-10-12T21:10:00.004-04:00

I was looking in a magazine the other day, and they were selling pink washcloths that said “wash for the cure”. Listen, I’m all about the cure for cancer…especially of the boob. I don’t want to lose mine, and I definitely don’t want to die. I don’t want any other chics to lose theirs either (or die), because I mean…really…who doesn’t love boobs?

But “wash for the cure”? I mean, everything is colored pink and “for the cure” right now. I am just waiting to see pink toilet paper so we can shit for the cure. How about hookers for the cure? A percentage of the money you just paid for that BJ will go towards saving boobs.

Okay…I’m not really upset about it. The more money we raise for breast cancer will help find a cure for all cancer, and that’s a great thing. Now that I think about it…BJs for the cure would probably really raise some money. Come on all you hookers! Do your part!

So, I’m going to be 32 in a little over a week. That’s insane to me. I especially thought it was insane on Saturday morning when I woke up hungover, and then laid in my bed and cuddled with pillow and bunny until 5pm. There are so many things wrong there. What I decided to focus on the most at that point was that I STILL sleep with a pillow I’ve had since I was two and a bunny I’ve had since I was in 7^th grade. I have probably mentioned this before…but come on. Really? Does anyone else find this really weird??? It makes me so insanely happy and comfortable when I am cuddling with that shit…but my brain knows that people grow out of that at like 5. And much to your disbelief, I’m actually not retarded (I know! weeeiiird). But I’m nowhere near getting rid of it. I will cuddle them until they disintegrate. My buddy hates them, but he will just have to get over it because I don’t know what I would do if I didn’t have them in my bed. It just makes me feel like I’m home. And for a girl that moves every year, that’s a big thing. So I told myself to just leave myself alone. It’s weird, yes. But it’s also perfectly awesome.

So what if I act like a child? I think maybe it’s because I’m short that I act like a kid. Or at least that’s my new theory that I just thought up just now. I think I’m going to get my chalkboard out and do some intense calculations….then I’ll get back to you.

It probably has to do more with the fact that my dad acts like a kid too. But that’s one of the things I love most about him. And everyone else does too. So…it’s not such a bad thing. It’s better than acting like an old lady.

Or a koala. I hear they can be real jerks!

You move me, baby.

2009-08-29T00:02:00.001-04:00

I have been in packing city. And it’s not a good city. It’s like…….detroit.

There are boxes all over my apartment. I walked from my front room, past the kitchen and to my bedroom…and I stepped on like 75 things. I sounded like a broken whiny record, “oowww”…...”oowww”…..”oowww”, and then the last time I stepped on something I spun around in a circle, waved my arms around like a lunatic and yelled, “what the fuck!”

Packing sucks!

But soon enough…it’s moving day! And I loooove moving day. You get to hang out with family and friends all day, drinking AND exercising at the same time! How often does that happen?? And it’s socially acceptable to open a beer before noon!

Maybe I made that last part up, but I like events where you get to drink in the morning. Tailgating? Sweet. Moving isn’t as sweet as tailgating, but at least you are exercising and hanging with your family and friends. And then you reward yourself with pizza. Yum.

By the way, I don’t get hammered and move, okay people? And I don’t start really drinking until we are already done with the driving part. I really start drinking at the new house. So…everyone calm down….(mom)!

I asked my little three-year old niece if she was going to help me move. Before she gave me an answer, she looked at me very intently; you could see that she was thinking about it. I was like, “what, you have other plans that day too?” And then, still serious as ever, she asked me a few questions.

“well, krissy, how big are these boxes?”

“some are big and some are small.”

“I can’t really carry the big boxes.”

“I know. There are small ones too.”

“Huh. Well, will these boxes have a lot of stuff in them?”

“not all of them. There are some light boxes”.

“hmmmmm..”

We stared at each other in serious face mode for about 45 seconds while she thought about it…..and then she said, very confidently, “Okay. I’ll do it. I can help you move”.

You have to love the honesty and the fact that she isn’t going to commit to something she can’t do. So many people just say, “yeah, sure I can help” and then they don’t. She is like, “listen, let’s be realistic. I’m two feet tall and I weigh like thirty pounds. You’re asking ME to help? Well, that’s fine I guess…but you better have some small, LIGHT fucking boxes!!”.

(Yes…in my head she swears. Just like her mother. Hahahah. Jokes.)

Well, time to go rest up for the big move. Time to try and find my bed through the walls of boxes. It’s like I’m living in a fucking warehouse.

Do you know how many times I’ve moved?? (I’m sure my family does…heh.) I have NEVER been at a place for more than two years since I was like 20. WHAT??? That is INSANE. I have moved every year or so for ten years. Sometimes a few times in a year. I think the longest I’ve lived somewhere is a year and a half. Seriously, there is something not right with that.

I would like a permanent home someday…sniff sniff. (Aw…don’t you feel bad for me? I’m like a retarded wandering puppy.)

ANYWAY…this new home will be great. I instantly have a wife and two kids.

It's what every woman wants....right?

There's always this year...Brett Favre.

2009-08-21T12:34:00.004-04:00

Oh Brett, you silly thing. You're as indecisive as I am.

Of course I will cheer him on (my buddy Rob should be happy about that one. Go Vikes!); he's Brett freaking Favre. But if I hear one more sportscaster talk about how "childlike" he is I think I might scream. And THAT will be very childlike, trust me.

It's like they don't know what else to say about him. The guy likes to play football and he doesn't want to stop. So what. What the fuck is childlike about him? That he just slings the ball across the field in hopes that it goes to the right place? Maybe. But dude is like 40. Give up the kid comparison already.

Speaking of kids.....my little monster tomato plant is bearing much fruit (or vegetable....did they ever come to a conclusion with that argument? tomaydo, tomahdo, fruit, veggie...whatever. they are yummy). Today I went outside to water the proud fruit bearer, and I noticed her first red tomato! Well, it's not completely red, but it's getting there. I'm so proud of Dirty D. I love my little red baby and I can't wait to toss her in a salad.

Heh.

I said toss her "IN" a salad. You're gross.

When you work, sometimes you forget about summer. I don't want to forget about summer. At least I'll be in a house soon where I will be able to sit outside and enjoy the rest of it. Outside in the yard, and not on my balcony where I stare at the bus stop peeps and they stare back at me.

Creeeeeepy.

One last thing. There is a billboard on the shoreway (going west) by the Browns stadium that says, "Well within reach" with an Indians player reaching for a ball. Is that some kind of sick joke? I realize that at the ad campaign's conception there was a much larger chance that the Indians would do well. But, Medical Mutual of Ohio, did you NOT learn anything from the last ad? It said, "There's always this year" with a Browns player doing something (probably throwing a pick or dropping the ball).

I mean, really. I had to look at that thing every day and feel embarassed. And now this. Thanks.

I would say you are jinxing the sports teams, but this is Cleveland. Everyone knows that jinx is much bigger than you. You are just reminding me of it everyday after a long hard day at work.

Maybe you should stick to ads with doctors and babies and old people.

Better yet, how about a a picture of little Brett enjoying his retirement?

You know how I know you're gay? You listen to Coldplay.

2009-08-20T22:40:00.003-04:00

So...I was told that my job is going to be a permanent position. Yay! I am so excited for myself. Seriously, I love the job. My whole unemployment thing actually sort of feels like a blessing. I mean, I got paid to NOT work for six months, and now the job I have is so exciting and different. I am doing such a variety of things. Although I did really like my last job, it's very easy to get stuck in a rut as a publishing designer. And this is completely different. it's great. I feel challenged and inspired and I feel like I'm on the edge of something that could be really amazing.

Anyway, enough of that. It's a hot summer night and I am smoking a cigarette and drinking a glass of pinot grigio. I have a new love for white wine, by the way. The Italian in me is very upset at this, but it is sooo yummy. I can't believe I never liked it before. So much more refreshing in the summer than the reds.

I am staring at a mountain of empty boxes that need to be packed. Nikki and I are moving in together in just over a week! That is another thing I am excited about. Yes, I am moving in with my wife and kids. We found a great place on the west end that is going to be fun AND economical. My rent is a lot less, and I have a buddy to drink wine with instead of just bunny. Bunny is getting realllly tired of my stories.

I do love my apartment. If anyone is looking for one, this is a great place to rent. I am just a little tired of apartments in general. I'm so excited to have a yard. And a driveway. And a basement. And a GARAGE! it's going to be sweet. Seriously sweet.

One rainy Saturday a few weeks ago, Nikki and I started drinking in the afternoon...which isn't really that weird for either of us I guess. We are probably the perfect roommates. Anyway, I made some couscous and grilled squash for lunch, and afterwards we stared at each other as we tried to figure out what we wanted to do with ourselves. What DID we do? We went to Target and registered. As a couple. I've always wanted to do it, so it was pretty fucking hilarious. I'm sure no one will buy us anything, but it was worth it just to see the look on the woman's face when we took the forms up to her and she said, "is this for a baby shower?"....and then we shook our heads....and she said, very uncomfortably, "um, bridal?". Yes, bridal. By the way, I'm the husband. makes sense I guess :)

The funniest things were when we debated on which TYPE of patio table to get, or what specific potholder we wanted. I mean, seriously? So great. But you know what? I've been to 8 MILLION baby showers and weddings and wedding showers.....so in a very Carrie-esque way, we were like, "dude, you guys owe us". Which is what we wrote on the registry too, I think.

And oh, did you know if you register for Depends it falls under the "small appliances" category? wtf!

As we were walking around, Nikki asked me if I think we look like lesbians. I said, no dude. Not at all. Then when we left, we caught a glimpse of each other in the mirror on the way into Giant Eagle to buy some high life....and we both started cracking up. I was wearing a Browns t-shirt, jeans, flip-flops and I had my hair pulled back with barely any make-up on. She had pretty much the same thing going on, but with a Cavs t-shirt.

yeah. we looked like serious lesbians.

whatevs. let people think that i guess. Actually, let them buy us some shit at Target :)

#7

2009-08-15T21:51:00.005-04:00

Okay, listen. I am one of the LAST people to EVER condone animal cruelty. I can't stand people that hurt animals (except cats. fuck cats! i'm kidding...sort of). anyway, I cry like a baby and have to leave the room when a dog fighting documentary or even one of those sarah mclaughlin abused animal commercials are on tv. (then again, that sarah mclaughlin song can be playing with a picture of a guy taking a crap and i would probably cry. it's a sad song!). seriously though, i can't stand to even think about animals being hurt. it's heartbreaking.

and I lived with the most precious little puppy ever for a few years. she was the most well-trained, adorable, kind and loving thing I have ever known. and she was a pit bull. so when people fight pit bulls i get realllll upset. fired up crying angry rage upset.

mike vick pissed the FUCK out of me. and at one point i had really liked him. I almost bought a jersey! and i don't buy jerseys that aren't one of the crappy browns jerseys. my sisters and i DID buy my little brother a vick jersey. so yeah...when all the shit happened with him and dog-fighting, i was furious. not that anyone read my lame ass myspace blogs...but i wrote a real long letter to mike vick going on and on about how he can go pretty much fuck himself sideways (uh...whatever THAT means).

so...with that being said, I AM OVER THIS SHIT. give the dude a second chance. people are going NUTS over this and it's driving me crazy. Ray Lewis KILLED a guy and there wasn't this much anger towards a player. Donte Stallworth LITERALLY killed a guy and people aren't as mad.

Vick never ONCE blamed his upbringing, but i'm sure that had a lot to do with it. he never ONCE blamed anyone else....and whether he is actually sorry or just wants to play football and make some money....it doesn't reallly matter at this point. he won't be dog-fighting, that's for sure. AND...even though a lot of horrible things came out of the whole thing (poor little puppies)......i think a lot of good came out of it as well. for one, dog-fighting was kind of under the radar. not a lot of people really knew about it. definitely not the little white suburban kid with the vick jersey. and now....they do. now everyone does. so maybe more of it will be stopped..... or even better, never started. AND the humane society really speaks highly of vick. maybe it's just because they can use him as a tool to talk to impressionable kids about dog-fighting, from a guy they will actually listen to because he's a football player. but does it matter? he might be using them and they might be using him....but I think a LOT of good will come out of it. Not only awareness of animal cruelty, but actually doing things to help stop it. He is sooo in the spotlight and he always will be. So this issue will be as well.

PETA hasn't approved of him yet or whatever. You know what? FUCK PETA. I can't STAND peta. they are INSANE. do you eat meat? they don't like you. they want to throw cow blood on you. screw peta...they are a bunch of crazy nutjobs. who CARES what they think. and they will be the jerks standing outside of the eagles games with their protest signs. why can't they get over it? because they can't use him too?

one last thing. a lot of people that can't get over the vick thing....these same people would never actually own a pit bull. and a lot of them are the same people that are trying to pass laws AGAINST people owning pit bulls. it is NOT the fault of the dog that their owners sometimes suck. and it's not the fault of a good owner that other people don't know how to raise an animal. you can't bring a pittie into lakewood right now. it's seriously illegal. Because the same bitch that is calling into Mike and Mike in the morning about how reprehensible it is that the Eagles signed Michael Vick was also telling my ex-boyfriend and I that we could no longer keep our very well-loved puppy.

People are so retarded.

One last thing. I am not a Michael Vick fan anymore. As soon as he did what he did, I was done. it was so horrible i don't even want to think about it. i always think about poor little Page and if someone had tried to fight her. i really can't stand asshole dog owners. and even worse, dog fighters.

But I don't HATE the guy. I do NOT like him, that's for sure. But who am I to try and prevent him from living his life? Seriously dude. are you perfect?

I know that not a lot of people will agree with me, and a lot of people will be pissed that I could even say this. Whatever. Maybe I'm naive, but I'm willing (and hoping) that the dude changed for the better and that the rest of the country will recognize dog-fighting as a much more serious moral AND criminal offense.

Marco?

2009-08-15T21:00:00.003-04:00

Okay, so I know that the only way a blog even matters is if you actually write in it. And...I've been slacking.

I am going to get back on that ball, starting now. I mean it. So, all two readers out there...sit tight.

Here is a list of some blogs to come.

1. Mike Vick. (what do I think? I bet you just HAVE to know. Let's just say...you'll be surprised.) (Yes, I'm giving you teasers. And yes, I started a second parentheses to tell you that. I can do what i want!)

2. The Browns upcoming season. Will it be BQ or DA? If it's DA, will you be able to hear my brains explode? Stay tuned.

3. Baking f#$king pies. I made an apple pie and whoever made up the saying "it's as easy as pie" should throw themselves into a vat of acid. Then again, maybe it WAS easy for that person. Maybe that person was a Kathie Lee sweat shop kid. Or a navy seal. Or Jesus.

4. Moving. My idiot friend and my idiot self and I are moving in together to a house in the Wood. Is my idiot friend imaginary? Or is it Nikki? Where are we going? Are we retarded enough to go register at target? Is that a dumb question?

5. Circus porn. Okay, not really. Does it upset you that I was joking? Pervert.

6. Krusty's. Good GOD. what a drunken mess. There are pictures involving my sister, nikki and i rolling around on the ground.....and they make you curse the day cameras were invented. YIKES.

7. The Feast of the Assumption. what kind of Italian misses the feast? this broke ass italian does. damn security deposits sneaking up on you.

8. Not having AC. it was always trendy and cool to not have ac. did i say cool? yeah, i mean sweating ass hot. fuck being trendy. i have lost about 75 pounds of fluids through my sweat glands. but don't worry...i'm drinking beer to replace it. thank GOD for fans.

9. napping and watching golf. i didn't appreciate this as much when i was unemployed. now it's like tasting a little tiny piece of heaven dipped in happy and sprinkled with love.

10. beer and OJ. and by OJ, I mean the Juice. And by the Juice, I do NOT mean the football player/murderer. I mean the liquid that is extracted from oranges. anyway....it's delicious AND nutritious!

11. The morning paper. I will FINALLY be able to support the publishing industry by subscribing to the Plain Dealer. Now I can walk out on the porch in my robe with a cup of coffee, scratch my belly, yawn, look around the neighborhood, lean down to pick up the paper, sip my coffee, look down at the paper with a "slightly interested but too tired to really commit to caring" look on my face, fold the paper up under my arm and then slowly walk back into my house. yeah. that's when i realize i just spent ten minutes picking up the paper and i have to be at work in twenty. and i switch from turtle pace to frantic moron pace.

12. next time on arrested development. Most of the items on this list are not going to be blogged about...but i think you get the idea.

And this one girl at work, she talks about eating babies and beer cereal. And i said to her, i said....

2009-07-20T20:33:00.006-04:00

Am I the only one that is totally freaked out by Meryl Streep? I mean, yeah, she's a good actress and all that...but um...she creeps the fuck out of me.

So it's Monday and I survived a week of work. I still really like my job. I am not, however, going to talk about it. Three reasons.

1. whether good or bad, it's not respectful to the company you work for or your fellow employees.
2. i started this blog because i was unemployed. kind of ruins the whole vibe of it all if i talk about work.
3. no one gives a shit about your job except the people who work with you. seriously. no one cares about so and so in accounting or that guy who always talks too much or julie smith who had surgery on her ankle ten years ago and now every time it rains she bitches and moans to you at the coffee machine. NO ONE CARES. not your sisters, not your mom, not your friends....and definitely not you boyfriend, your husband or your dad. Most girls have a little more tolerance for this, and especially if it's someone they love, but dudes definitely don't care. They can love you to bits but they really don't give a flying fuck if there was cake in circulation this morning because it's tina shooley's 34th anniversary.

In a total contradiction to my previous statement, I do notice myself telling my buddy about work lately. I would like to think it's only because I just started and I want to tell someone about it....and he actually seems interested for the most part.....but at the same time I know it has to stop soon or else I will be telling him stupid details and he will be nodding but really thinking about banging Scarlet Johannsen.

I told him what I had for lunch today for crying out loud. and i think i even told him what i THOUGHT about getting for lunch, but didn't actually get. WHAT THE FUCK! it has to stop. Tomorrow. Tomorrow it will stop.....and if it doesn't, someone please slap me in the face.

I'm just excited about my job. That's the excuse I will keep using. For now. I think you can only use that excuse during the first month of employment. After that, you are just being a boring retard.

I am having a very amazing dinner right now. A beer and cereal. Not a beer IN cereal. gross. A cold bottle of miller lite, and also a bowl of cereal. Sad? maybe. But i just didn't have it in me to make dinner for myself. And cereal is the only instant thing I have. But i did make it interesting. I mixed kashi strawberry fields and kashi blueberry oat clusters, and I sprinkled it with a dash of banana nut cheerios. what.

my dessert is a sweet marlboro ultra light. it has no calories and is surprisingly low in carbs. i did hear that it can give you lung cancer and death though.

my tomato plant is rocking. Today I saw the first little teeny tiny tomatoes starting to grow. I am sooo excited!! I have never been able to keep a plant alive, so this is a big deal for me. And i have never had a plant that actually gave me some shit back. that's what we call an investment, kids. even if it's a small one. at some point I will be able to go to my balcony and eat a super fresh tomato. for me, it's like having a baby. I nurtured it and it grew. And after it's grown, I'm going to eat my baby. And it's going to taste like love.

okay, enough for now. time to go stalk people out on facebook. I mean.....um, well yeah.

Are you still there God? It's me, Margaret...I mean, Krissy

2009-07-16T21:48:00.003-04:00

Welcome to the working world. Whether temporary or not, I am working.

AND....I like it.

I'm a little stressed and a lot busy, but I really like my job so far. There are so many different things that I'm doing that I'm excited about. I hope that it ends up being a permanent thing, but we'll see.

Also, I am NOT going to stop writing my blog. Last week was "livin' large" week, this week is "adjusting to working" week. So, be patient, jerks. I will be continually gracing you with my amazing words of "making you stupider" very shortly.

"what you've just said is one of the most insanely idiotic things I have ever heard. At no point in your rambling, incoherent response were you even close to anything that could be considered a rational thought. Everyone in this room is now dumber for having listened to it. I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul."

I want to talk about my fourth of july, because I don't think I did yet and I was just reminded of how amazing it was today. It started out pretty good. I got up semi-early and made corn and black bean salsa. Then my buddy and I went to my parents house for cookout fun times. We played cornhole, we drank margaritas at my pops tiki bar, he met grandma, we hung out with the family and the kids, we ate some yummy food....and then eventually we left and went back to my house. I live in Lakewood near Cleveland and there are fireworks everywhere. So why not enjoy them while i have the ability to walk to them?

When we got back here, my friend nikki and her dude were waiting for us. Got some road pops ready, (disguised as gatorade...we are soooo clever), and started walking towards edgewater. We ended up in spot with a whole bunch of people, but still managed to get right next to the lake and spread a blanket out on the grass. We were able to see Lakewood's fireworks as well as Cleveland's fireworks. It was AMAZING. Two at once, over the skyline and Lake Erie. I was so excited.

I've always been a sucker for fireworks. My dad always wanted us to call him "Mr. Fourth of July" when we were kids. We would go out to my mamaw and papaw's in Virginia, and he always gave us a show with all kinds of fun fireworks stuff. From snakes and bottle rockets to crazy big fireworks, we loved it. I was always worried about him hurting himself, (because I'm just like my mom...I worry a lot), but so far so good. Although one time he DID light one of those jumping jack things, and it DID jump right into the box with all the other fireworks, and he DID run inside while his wife and kids were outside with the flaming fireworks, and he DID point to the box from the window INSIDE of the house.....but whatever. he's still Mr. Fourth of July :)

So after fireworks time, my vodka....i mean...gatorade....started to kick in and we, um, crashed a party. yeah, we walked down edgewater, heard a party going on in someone's backyard, and uh, just waltzed in. We danced, had some keg beer, hung out by the lake, danced some more, socialized with random people, almost jumped in the pool.....it was hilarious. Also, it was a mansion. On Edgewater. And I waited in line to pee in their bathroom.

Insane.

I wish i could emphasize how crazy that was, crashing some rich person's party. Somehow the night ended up where we were all hanging out in my apartment playing Tecmo Bowl and drinking whiskey...but that part is a little fuzzy. My buddy went to bed a little earlier, and nikki and her dude were rolling around on the floor like burritos. I think i just pointed and laughed at them for a while, then eventually kicked them out and went to bed.

one of my top five fourths ever. good times.

Now, I am back to responsible Krissy. Working woman Krissy. I have to wear heels again! And business clothes! I have a reason NOT to wear flip flops and tank tops all day. Although that is great too.....it IS nice to finally have a reason to get dressed and be a part of the world.

I do miss sleeping in though. That is a little bit of an adjustment. But after I get to work, I'm so busy I don't have time to think about being tired. And that's how I like it. So....I don't want to like this job too much...but we'll see how things go in September.

Until then, have my people call your people.

:)

Apparently the longest week ever

2009-07-11T11:14:00.010-04:00

So...this past week was the last week of freedom. I will say it was a pretty good one. Again, sorry to recap....or maybe I'm not sorry. I just need to get the week out of my head so i can return to blogs about the commercials i hate, sandwiches, how much i love high life and making fun of people.

Monday.
I woke up and went to the zoo for free Monday with my parents, my sister Mary, her husband's nieces and our niece and nephew. UM...free monday is NOT the best idea in the summer. Holy CRAP. My dad actually said he would have rather paid a hundred bucks to not have to be there on free monday. YIKES. It was packed. I mean, it was awesome. We had a good time....even if Maddie always wanted to be held (that kid is getting heavy! it was worth it to be holding her when she saw a polar bear for the first time or a giraffe though. the looks on her face were great. DJ was great too. Such a little man!). But everyone was exhausted afterwards. Especially the adults. It was hard enough to keep track of four kids with four adults....no idea how my parents kept track of five kids with just each other. I mean, i was always a responsible kid. I would yell at my sisters if they climbed a tree because I was afraid they would get hurt. they were kids, for crying out loud. And I was a kid too! But instead of climbing up there with them, I was always worried and pretty much acted like a mom. Maybe it's because I'm the oldest, I don't know. My sister Kathy and I decided that it all stems from when i was almost lost in Niagra falls when i was little. I was scared, I couldn't find my parents....and I think i walked up to a booth to tell someone I was lost. My parents were freaking out and found me....and this all happened in a matter of seconds or minutes. So we decided that along with me being the oldest of five, the getting lost thing was one of the reasons I always looked out for them and acted responsible even though i was only a kid myself. I also decided that it's why I went crazy after college and was the opposite of responsible for a while. Heh.

Anyway, blah blah. Okay, after the zoo, we went to McDonalds and then they dropped me off at home and I sat down and closed my eyes in my quiet apartment for about twenty minutes before doing anything. Unfortunately they didn't have that luxury. AGAIN, I loooooove those kids and I had a really great time....but it was nice to have a moment of peace. Then I found out I was hired, got a free replacement phone from verizon, and drove out to akron to meet my buddy for dinner and drinks at mariachis. I haven't been there in AGES. love that place. so yeah, zoo time with the family, a job (even if temporary), a free phone AND margaritas from mariachis? in one day? good stuff.

Tuesday.
Slept in, then rode my bike to the gym and enjoyed the nice weather. I also did some shopping for work clothes and came home and made couscous with almonds, peppers, cherry tomatoes and onions and also turkey, provolone and jalepeno melts. YUM. Rachel Ray would say "yummo" and that makes me want to punch her in the throat. I actually don't mind her, but there a few things she says that make me INSANE. Yummo and sammies are two examples. YOU ARE NOT A FIVE-YEAR OLD.

Wednesday.
Went to the driving range with my dad. It was a great sunny day, and I haven't picked up a golf club in years. I worked on a golf magazine for two years and did not golf that entire time. What?

Also, my swing SUCKS. It's like i forgot everything. I blistered my hand and probably embarrassed my dad (who is awesome by the way. he was hitting them out there! i had no idea he was so good).....but it was worth it. I love golf and driving ranges on sunny days. Especially when everyone else is working :)

Then I met Nikki and we drove to the rock hall for a free concert. The band was okay (I think it was Man Man or something)...but it was nice to be outside drinking with friends. We met a bunch of people up there and it was such a nice summer night. Also, they had a choice of either Miller Lite or Dortmunder for 4.50. UM....seriously? is there a choice there? If someone came up and ordered Miller Lite when dortmunder is the SAME price....I think I would have slapped them. That's insane. After the show, Nikki and I stopped in some hotel bar where we parked on Lakeside and drank a few more beers before calling it a night. We were actually home at a reasonable hour. Go us.

Team Insanity representin' at the rock hall

Thursday.
Ahhhh, thursday. It started off with my parents and my sisters Kathy and Mary coming to my apartment in the late morning. my parents haven't been here in a while so they checked it out a little, I finished getting ready, and then we went down the street to check out some Lakewood/Cleveland shops. We went to Big Fun, which totally lives up to its name, and also to Flower Child...which is just an insane amount of stuff. Overpriced thrift store stuff, but pretty cool. There are endless rooms and cool displays. Definitely something to check out if you haven't. Then we walked to the diner on Clifton and had a great lunch. My parents and mary left, then kathy and i bought a bottle of vodka and some vitamin water. Like a mad chemist, I mixed up our drinks, and kathy made the remark that people are actually mixing things together like that at that very moment, but they are mixing things to save lives and create new forms of energy....i'm making cocktails. I take my drinks very seriously :)

glorious.

Then we packed my miracles of science into a cooler, and headed to the beach. We got to edgewater and got all settled, and then my sister screamed. A bird shit right on her arm. It was so funny I almost cried. Those birds are INSANE! It was like being in the middle of the alfred hitchcock movie. every time they would decide to swarm over, we would be jarred out of our intense relaxation pose to cowering under our towels screaming, "are they gone yet????" Besides that though, the beach was great. Hot, sunny, not a cloud in the sky.....and spending time with kathy and some vodka.

After we spent a few hours at the beach, we got to my apartment where her husband was waiting for us and we got ready to go get some TEN CENT TACOS at reddstone with Genny. TEN CENTS! Actually, if you want cheese they are sixty cents...but, um, sixty cent tacos??? and they are much better than the dollar tacos at johnny mango. they make the shells and they are so crispy and amazing...the beef is great and it was just awesome. Also, we had really great three dollar margaritas (even if it seemed to be a hassle for them) and got pretty drunk. Well, kathy and i were pretty toasty already...so it didn't take much. Although it did not stop us from having FOUR margaritas.

I was home by 8 and watched tv and went to bed. A GREAT day.

Friday.
Slept in, and woke up with an insane headache. I wanted to go to the ingenuity festival downtown with my friend Paul, but I just couldn't get motivated with the pain in my head. I did finally ride my bike to liquid planet for a key lime pie smoothie, and then rode to the gym for one last workout during the day. i am going to have to find other times to workout now that i have an 8-5 gig. It will probably be after work because it is going to be hard to adjust to getting up early again. UGH! I mean, seriously. I have to get up for work on monday!!! at like 6:30....AM! i did NOT miss that.

It's okay though. Like i said...i need a schedule. as fun as this week was, it will be nice to have structure. Plus, I felt so pressured to "have fun" this week and half the time all i wanted to do was lay around. I think that when you work, you tend to appreciate the nice days, and the days you have off a little more. It will suck not to be able to ride to the beach when i want, or walk around town all day....but i still have the weekends :)

After my workout I got some Giant Eagle sushi and a movie from Redbox. I got Revolutionary Road, because I am in LOVE with Leonardo DiCaprio (because of the Departed, NOT titanic) and I am in LOVE with Kate Winselt (because of Little Children, NOT titanic) so I figured I would get it. IT WAS SO DEPRESSING. Pretty good, but depressing. Not the best movie to watch alone on a friday night.

I sort of related to her character, but also to his. It's weird....you think you are going to do all these crazy things when you're young....become a rockstar or whatever, and you don't want to settle for the mundane. the whole husband and kids thing feels like a trap, or an inevitable obligation. You think your job is just a shit job that you are temporarily putting up with until you become a famous artist or something. But then, you realize you are already thirty-years old and you start to get accustomed to the fact that you are good at being a designer for trade publications or an inside sales rep for a medical supplies company, and you like cooking and planting a garden and want to have a house and another human being to grow old with. It's not necessarily horrible that your goals change. I don't think people should throw away dreams and settle....but sometimes the relationships you have with other people are enough to make life worth living.

She obviously didn't see that. Then again, maybe she thought she missed her chance at really living. how do you know when it might be your only chance to break out of the mold and do something great, even if you have to take a leap of faith to do it? It is terrifying to change things up sometimes. When you have children though....your life isn't your own anymore and you can't always just do shit like that. I thought she was being sort of selfish.

it would be hard enough for me to pick up and move to france, let alone a couple with their three kids.

But whatever...yikes. What the fuck. I'm getting a little too serious. Am i still writing??? GOOD GOD. I'll stop. See, i should write small things every day instead of one novel twice a week. Jeez.

The thunderstorm stopped and it's suddenly a beautiful day. I need to get out there :)

Is it lonely up there on that pedestal?

2009-07-03T12:40:00.010-04:00

I was listening to sports radio yesterday, and this idiot said that Ron Artest should have been kicked out of the NBA forever for jumping into the stands and going after the guy that threw the beer at him. That is RIDICULOUS. Seriously? You know what buddy, you and Joe Buck should just get on your high horse and get the fuck out of my face.

I know that Artest makes a lot of money...and the fans are a lot of the reason for that. He should have more class than to jump in the stands after a guy. But if someone throws a beer in my face, I'm sorry....it would be hard NOT to just let instincts take over and get in the guy's face. I thought it was HILARIOUS that some drunk idiot fan thought he could just throw a beer at a huge 6'7" dude and think that he could get away with it...like he was all tough and shit. And then that 6'7" dude turns around and comes after you....so great. I bet he shit his pants. That's what you get, loser.

Although I've never EVER harassed players in any sport (and never would, that's retarded), I have unfortunately been a drunk fan. I'm not proud of it...but I've actually THROWN beer on people at sporting events. I've also spit beer on people. All by accident, I swear. But if someone turned around and wanted to kick my ass, I probably would have deserved it. Thank GOD it was a girl drinking wine in a cardigan (AT A BROWNS GAME) and a little dude in a white wanna-be Armani suit (at the Kent MAC tourneys). I could soooo have taken both of them, even in my drunken stupor...and really, they probably needed a good ass-kicking. I mean...wine at a browns game?? COME ON. (In reality I sooo couldn't "take" anyone. I'm afraid of bugs. And the dark. And everything. So yeah...I don't think a girl who is 31 and afraid of the dark could beat up anyone.)

Anyway, I thought this same thing about Artest when it happened. And whether or not the Cavs get him (I heard he might go to the Lakers?)....it doesn't matter. I will still always think this same thing about him. Obviously not his shining moment...but I don't blame the guy and definitely don't think he should be kicked out of the league. They should, however, kick that fan out of the arena for life. He is ruining it for the rest of us.

I also always agreed with Tim Couch. I know i might get shit for this, but I always loved Timmy Couch. Seriously, when he flipped off the fans that were talking shit to him....I thought, "good for him". I can't STAND annoying fans, even when I'm one of them.

And Joe Buck...UGH. Can that guy be more pretentious? I still remember the Randy Moss moon incident. And you know...SO WHAT. Calm down, jeez. He acted like Moss just jerked off on national television.

The sports media can be so uptight! IT'S SPORTS!!! it's not like the fate of the world rests on the ass of Randy Moss. Sports is entertainment. Bitches need to lighten up.

Okay, that's all for today. Time to go find Shaq and throw a beer on him.

The girl is crafty like ice is....lukewarm, maybe?

2009-07-01T11:10:00.012-04:00

You know what I did the other day? I cleaned my garbage can. The garbage can, where garbage goes.....I cleaned it. Like scrubbed the fucker. Do normal people CLEAN the trash? Or am I just bored?

I started to think about all the things I have done around here since I've been unemployed. Things I always meant to do, but didn't have the time. Then I had the time, but no money....so occasionally i had to get creative.

1. rearranged my furniture. sort of. I moved the couch on an angle and moved my armchair to the window. BIG changes. but very free changes, and I love it now. and they are changes I might not have made before, because I didn't have much time to stand in my doorway and stare at my living room for twenty minutes and think, "what can I do?".

2. I changed my bathroom colors from black, white and pink to black, white and green. Which meant I had to buy shampoo and conditioners that matched my new theme. And I had to switch my accessories around and come up with new things to hang up. I found and bought cheap fabric and scrapbook paper and went to town. I also bought green paint and painted a little, as well as finding random shit around my house to fix up and throw in there. See below.

above the pisser. so this is what you look at if you are a dude.

and here's what you see if you have a vagina.

Yes, I have too much time on my hands. Yes, it's neurotic to "change your bathroom colors". It all started because I had a lime green fucking towel i wanted to use. Plus my bedroom has a lot of pink...soooo...I don't want to freak the dudes out. Until they marry me and I pull this, "I think this bathroom would look good with pink paint and unicorns, what do you think?"...and no matter what he said it wouldn't matter because he would be painting our bathroom pink the next week while I hung up paintings of unicorns.

Would I be abusing my power as a woman? probably. dudes abuse their power all the time and it ends in horrible things like rape. I abuse my power and it ends in pretty little unicorns. I don't even like unicorns. But they are prettier than rapists.

Um.

3. I bleached my couch. Yeah.I would get into the details...but I like to be mysterious. Are you mystified by my couch-bleaching? You should be.

4. I hooked up my old school top-loading NES one snowed-in night after many beers by myself. I played Tecmo Bowl (touchdown Kevin Mack!), Paperboy, Dr. mario, Spy Hunter, Contra and Maniac Mansion. That was the only time I played it...but it's still hooked up. I got scared playing Maniac Mansion when the creepy guy comes after you. So I turned it off. I am 31 and I'm afraid of 1-bit graphics.

5. I hung up my college diploma. Which is pretty hilarious....because well, it got me here. Playing nintendo and cleaning my garbage can.

6. I finished some paintings in my room. One of which I started a YEAR ago and never finished. I also did some crafty shit to fill the big blank white wall above my bed. I do not have a headboard and I still can't afford to make one with foam and fabric like they do on HGTV. I DID have a headboard at one point, but upon moving it to my old house with Nikki and Bobbi, Nikki and I were about to carry it in, and we looked at the steps, then looked at the headboard, then back at the steps and I said, "I don't even like this fucking thing".....and we tossed it on the treelawn to be devoured by the neighborhood savages in .34 seconds. So yeah....now I am headboard-less, so i had to paint stuff and use scrap to come up with a solution. It works okay I think :)

7. I went thrift store shopping and found the perfect dresser for my room. I had been looking for one because i suddenly had the time to do so...but again, no money...so it was good stuff for 20 bucks. And now I don't have to stretch to see my tv (it was sitting on an upside-down storage box) when I'm laying in my bed. Which is great, because I spend a lot of time there these days. I seriously need to start getting up earlier. Who sleeps in until noon? You know, that isn't a 17-year old boy on summer vacation?

8. I hung up this picture of white guy Catholic Jesus to remind me not to be a total douchebag all the time.

9. I hooked up my patio with cheap ferns. I also swept all the winter trash away and threw away the random beer bottles in my planters. Now all i have to do is pick up my tomato plant from my sister and I'm in business. I'm naming it Dirty Diana. And I can't wait to eat her tomatoes. Heh.

Billie and Jean in all their glory.

10. There is no ten. I am too lazy to think of one and also too bored of taking dumb camera phone pictures of the crap in my apartment. Seriously. What is wrong with me. If I am ever committed, they can use this blog as evidence of my insanity. The doctor who has to admit me will say, "well, she looks okay. I mean, no crazier than any other chic". then they will give him a printout of all my blog entries, and he won't even get through one blog before the red sirens go off and the guys with the straight jackets wrestle me to the ground.

"Who takes pictures of their apartment with a one megapixel camera phone? WOW. We got her just in time".

RIP, PYT

2009-06-30T11:55:00.004-04:00

Oh, Michael Jackson. I'm not going to get into a big long thing about it (I think i did enough of that on facebook) but I will say that I felt, and still feel, very sad. As much as he became a weird ass baby-dangling plastic white dude, there was always still that place in my little heart for him. I mean, I LOVED Michael. My sisters and I all loved him. He was so cute :) We got the Thriller record from our parents, and we would open it up and stare at the spread of him in the white suit with the baby tiger (It's actually just like that on my table right now...I haven't moved it since he died. is that creepy?). Then we would put it on the pool table, and we would all dance around it to "Beat It" and "Billie Jean". I know it sounds lame...because, well it is. But we were like little kids, okay? Jeez.

Anyway...he was the coolest. And I grew up on MTV. From day one, I was hooked. And if anyone built that station, it was MJ and Madonna. And I was in love with both of them. When I got the call from my dad that he died, I told a few people and then found out that he wasn't pronounced dead yet, that he was in the hospital. My dad got the news from TMZ. Oh, sweet. TMZ. that's a reliable fucking source. But....they were the ones that broke the story. You know why? Because they are FUCKING STALKERS. AND, since they have no credibility, they don't need a credible source to confirm the news. Anyway, the moment that CNN switched from "Michael Jackson in the hospital" to "Micheal Jackson is dead"...I got all teary, and the storm that started blew my door shut, and then my power went out! It was creepy!

I wanted to have my own private dance party to his music, but I couldn't find any of my CDs (soooo pissed, because now they are probably 8 million dollars. I want my Off the Wall back, damnit), and I tried to hook up my record player but I am missing the AC adapter. SWEET. then i thought, wait a minute. It would only be fitting to watch MTV right now, considering that is the medium where i fell in love with him. And what do you know, they canceled all their stupid ass, "i'm 16 and pregnant" shows to play Michael Jackson videos. Well, they fucking better! He deserved it. I mean, the dude could make choreographed dance moves while he and his buddies were dressed as thugs. Who else could pull that off?

Of course, they only played videos for a few hours. Then the idiot news guy came on and interviewed people on the phone and in person for a few minutes, then he would say they are going to play a video, only to play 15 seconds of it and come back to talking about it. it was infuriating. They even cut to celebrity twitter comments, including what Miley Cyrus and Lindsay Lohan had to say. WHO CARES!

So then my wine-infused dance party ended. It was probably a good thing. I haven't been paying attention to Michael lately, but in his death I am reminded of how much he helped to shape my childhood. It doesn't feel exactly right to make someone's death about you, but then again, it says a lot about a person that had such an impact on so many other people. I cried when he died. CRIED. I watched his videos and danced and cried (it was an amazing sight). Anyway, I felt like a piece of my childhood died with him.

If Madonna dies soon, I might as well buy depends and a spare set of teeth, because my youth will be totally gone.

Well, not totally. David Lee Roth is still around. Although he pretty much died a long time ago. Have you seen him? He looks like a skeleton. Okay, maybe not that bad. But he is sooo not the guy I had a huge crush on when I was a kid. Why did I have a huge crush on him? No idea. He was pretty?

So yeah...did I say I wasn't going to get in a big long thing about Michael Jackson? Did you actually believe that I could write something that wasn't long-winded? :)

Well, today is rainy and actually, not crappy. I'm liking it. I slept in...and sleeping in while it's dark and rainy is soooo nice. I'm still in my pjs drinking coffee and it's almost 1PM. I think I am going to have arts and crafts day....maybe do some painting, make some hair clips...who knows.

I bought some ferns on clearance from Giant Eagle the other day ($2.50 each!) so I re-potted them yesterday and they are hanging on my balcony, all pretty and shit. And now that it rained, they are super green and alive. So I think I am naming them Billie and Jean, in honor of buddy. He's still alive to me.

Yes, I'm lame. So what! The names are set. When you pass by my house, say hi to my ferns, and do a big ups to little MJ.

What day is it?

2009-06-25T11:19:00.007-04:00

I woke up early today, so I actually caught a little sun on my balcony. The sun goes away around 10:30, so it's not very often I get to enjoy it. I brought the laptop, my cup of coffee, a kashi granola bar and my wifebeatered self out here and I'm still enjoying the nice weather and the ability to sit outside during a weekday.

Because it might not be for long. I MAY have a job. A temporary job, but a job nonetheless. It's more of a marketing manager type job, and I'm actually looking forward to it. It sucks that I will be working all summer now, but DUDE....I need some structure in my life. I feel like I've been on a long, anxious, crazy vacation. Good at times, bad at times....and even though I really love sleeping in, riding around town on my bike, hanging out with buddies when they call off and all that....I need a bit of normalcy. I mean, you might think I'm just a crazy drunk (ahem...mom)....but I'm really not. When I have a job, I have a curfew, a bed time and chores. I like to come home during the week, make dinner, work out, run any errands or do laundry....then maybe watch a little tv and go to bed early. And I like to relax on my weekends, or clean the house...go to bed bath and beyond and home depot, if i have time (seriously...busy little saturdays!). Of course I like to have fun and be crazy every once in a while...but I'm more about happy hour and being home by ten then I am about going out at ten and coming home at bar close. I don't think I've been out that late in a long time.

Anyway, back to the job. It's temporary as I said, taking the place of someone who will be back in September. But it may turn into something long-term if things work out and they find a way to keep me. So...we will see. Either way, I'm excited for the opportunity.

I probably shouldn't jump to conclusions just yet. She said she is offering me the job, but I haven't received the offer letter yet. So I probably wrote all of this and then will find out that the company vanished off the face of the earth and I'm back to my crazy unstructured life.

One benefit of that unstructured craziness is my Tuesday this week. It was GREAT. If I do get this job, Tuesday will be the perfect end to my unemployment, because it was one of the most perfect summer days. I will say that even after I get a job, I still want to enjoy days like this as much as i can. Summer in Cleveland is just too short not to.

Nikki had off (I know...the girl gets a lot of days off!) and we rode our bikes downtown early in the morning...around 9:30. We had a nice bike ride, then got back to our apartments and changed. We got our bathing suits on, packed up a cooler, ate a quick lunch and headed off to wendy park at whiskey island. We laid out on our sweet ass lounge chairs by the lake, drank brooklyn summer ales and had the best time just talking, watching the boats on the water and getting some sun. After many hours in the sun, we went home, showered, and met up again to walk to El Jalepeno for some margaritas and dinner. It was the perfect ending to a very wonderful summer day. We usually always get regular margaritas on the rocks....but we felt adventurous and got some frozen margaritas (I got mango....mmmm). And we had guacamole and chile relleno and yummy fun times.

Nickels

Kristy

By the way, Kristy Nickles is our arch-nemesis name. It's like her and I in bizarro world. I can't stand when people call me Kristy, and she, for some reason, gets called Nickel all the time (who calls someone nickel?). So, yeah, why not embrace the things we hate? We are going to open a store called "Seriously Sweet by Kristy Nickels". No idea what we will sell yet, but I'm sure it will be fun city.

And when I say that we are going to open a store, I mean that we probably won't actually do it, but we will talk about it forever.

Because when asked what day it is, we will both always say "October".

Which is also when I may be unemployed again. Coincidence?

Blog City!

2009-06-23T09:54:00.003-04:00

Friday I finally got to drink coffee, drink beer and smoke cigarettes. It was a glorious day. Then I woke up on Saturday, and that was not so glorious. OUCH.

The rest of the weekend was nice and relaxing. I barely drank anything, and I didn't care. I only had two beers at the parents on sunday for the father's day festivities. Yes, festivities. If you know my dad, he loooooves his day. It was fun city.

Where is fun city, you ask? Wherever there is some fun happening, my friend. Beer city? Wherever the beer is flowing like cold streams of love.

My dad says "city" after almost everything, and it has kind of caught on in my house. He has this ability to start saying some goofy shit and then the next thing you know you are talking the same way, and so are your friends. Everything nikki and I say has "city" after it now, thanks to mi poppa.

And the word "stoop", if you can actually call it a word, is something he has said for years. He calls everyone a stoop. Even my cute little niece and nephew call me a stoop now. They will probably call someone a stoop at school someday, and the other kid will be like, "um.....huh? I'm a small step?".

Also, we make this weird noise, that I can only write as "umph", although there is sort of an mmmmm sound and a clicky sound involved. I think my mom is the only one who doesn't do it, but the rest of us are crazy with it. I mean, it's really a weird thing to behold if you aren't a part of my family, and then you come over and observe us. We should be in the zoo. I think it probably gets annoying to other people, but we just can't stop. It probably doesn't help that everyone but my mom has OCD (and yes, kathy....you have it!). We have had ten minute conversations at the dinner table just saying "umph". WEIRDOS.

Last but not least, poop and pee. Yes, my family, including the adults (especially the adults), uses the words "poop" and "pee"....and quite often, I might add. Again, not my mom. She's the normal one. "Hey dad, what do you want for father's day?" gets this response: "um, how about poop and pee?"

Right. We're normal.

Speaking of my amazing and goofy family, today I spent the day babysitting the kids. YES, i can be domestic! They are so frickin' cute...but man, I am exhausted! I don't know how my mom and dad did it with five kids. I got there today at around 10 am and left at around 5. We cleaned my nephew's room, played guitar hero (I'm not a big fan, but the kids like it), had a snack, got dressed, went to my parents house down the street to use the slip'n'slide, got bathing suits and sunscreen on, played in the water, took a break and made lunch, put on more sunscreen, went back outside to play....then my dad came home around 2 and we played with water balloons...and then went back inside and played in the basement with puzzles, nerf guns, coloring books......WOW. That is wayyyy more than i usually do in a day! Don't get me wrong, I had a great time....i loooooove those kids so much....but I went home and TOOK A NAP. Seriously. I crashed! I'm thinking they might be in bed early too....then again, I'm old.

I have some stories about the great summer day fun time Nikki and I had yesterday....but I'm too tired to keep writing. Time to watch Chopped and eat some peach cobbler. So what if i watch the food network at night? So what if I watch the food network and HGTV all day long? See.....I am soooo domestic. If I was an old grandma, I would have an apron on all the time, carry a wooden spoon, and shoo the neighborhood kids away with a broom when they caused trouble with their shenanigans. Then I would make sauce at all times, bake cakes and pinch my grandkids on the cheeks and say "mangia!" and give them all kinds of goodies to eat. Actually, that last part sort of sounds like my aunt nancy. Always giving us sweets and telling us how cute we were. I miss her! I like when people give me sweets and tell me I'm cute. Too bad she's not around....GOD rest her soul. Her and my uncle picky were so great.

Actually, I would probably be the crotchety old lady who picks fights with people at the bmv when they won't renew my license, even though I probably wouldn't be able to drive worth a shit at that point.

Oh, old people.

Speaking of....I know it's only 9pm, but it's almost bed time! and my Aunt Nancy would want me to eat this cobbler while it's hot! So.....I'm out :)

Brats, Beer and Bitches

2009-06-18T12:16:00.006-04:00

I am wondering why Hillshire Farms put High Life in their beer brats. I am also wondering why I really want one. I guess they probably save money going with High Life and not Heineken or something. Plus, with all the trendy punk kids, the unemployed, the broke college kids, and the broke old dudes..high life has quite a following these days. So that's probably why they use it in their brats. But why do I want one? Because it's the champagne of meat, that's why.

Oh my GOD. the commercial is on right now. WEIRD. I think that means i need to go buy some Hillshire Farm High Life Brats.

Another commercial that just came on was for Edible Arrangements. The people on those commercials are so fake. They have one right now that suggests you buy the father of your children an edible arrangement for father's day. They show the dad sitting in a chair with his kids around him and his wife next to him, and they are all staring at the bouquet of fruit they just gave him as his father's day gift. The look on the guy's face and his mannerisms are so funny...like he doesn't really know what to say. Probably because he DOESN'T. Seriously? You know what he wants to say? "WHAT THE FUCK. YOU GOT ME FUCKING FRUIT FLOWERS???" What dude wants fruit as a gift?? I would love to see the dude just scream that at them, knock the "flowers" off the table, open a beer and say, "fuck you guys. I'm going golfing". The kids would be crying, "mommy, why is daddy so mad?"...to which she should say, "because your mommy's a dumb bitch".

OH MY GOD. That's a little harsh. But it so feels like maybe it could be a skit on Mr. Show or the Upright Citizens Brigade. Such good shows. How are shows like that and Arrested Development so short-lived while Two and a Half Men lasts eighty-five seasons?? I will never ever understand it.

Anyway, I don't know why I get mad at commercials. I get really upset sometimes. I literally hurl insults, out loud, at the tv. And the more I see them, the more upset I get. I need to just get over it!

Maybe the reason I'm being so violent is because I'm going through withdrawal. I think I already mentioned that I quit my three big addictions for a few days. I have not had any alcohol since saturday night, and I haven't had any cigarettes or caffeine since monday afternoon. It's THURSDAY! For those of you who can't add...that is THREE DAYS without anything, and FIVE DAYS without alcohol. UGH. I'm going nuts. I am seeing babies crawling on the ceiling with spinning heads. Okay, maybe it's not that bad. I know I can wait until tomorrow to drink. I just have to try not to open a beer when I wake up. I guess I could start with some coffee....ooooh, with whiskey :)

I am drinking about 150-170 ounces of water a day though. How insane is that? The other night I got up to pee like at least four times. It's soo annoying. But it's good every once in a while to rid yourself of toxins....so that you can make room for more. heh.

You think i would have more energy without all the hangovers. But I really don't; I have less. I have kind of been a hermit this week. I did leave the house yesterday to go to the West Side Market. It was great. It was the first time I went by myself, so it was a little overwhelming. I felt like a lost little kid in a crowded ass candy store. I probably walked the floor inside at least four times before I started making decisions. I brought twenty-one dollars with me, and spent twenty-one dollars. I bought a few loaves of bread, some shrimp pad thai for lunch, a couple cannolis (i had to! I can't pass up a cannoli) and a few green and red peppers. I also bought a pound of peaches, some raspberries and blueberries so that I can make a peach-berry cobbler. mmm. It's like the cheapest cobbler ever, because the peaches were a buck-fifty, and the berries were a dollar each. That's 3.50 for two cobblers. Nice.

Anyway, I always leave the West Side Market feeling really great. I walked in and felt like I was going to be trampled and started to feel like I would have an anxiety attack with all the decisions to make....but when I left with my twenty-one dollars worth of purchases, the sun was shining and I couldn't wait to get home and make some food. I defrosted the sauce I've had in my freezer since Italian Sunday, and my buddy came over and we made yummy dinner. It involved italian sausage sandwiches with peppers and onions, and ravioli and delicious bread. And cannolis for dessert, of course.

The only thing missing was wine. Sigh. Soon enough.

Weekend In Attempted Review

2009-06-17T11:45:00.002-04:00

I know no one really wants to read as I try and recap my drunken weekend...but I have to get it out of my head so I can move on. Lucky you!

Nikki took off work on Friday and we ran around town. We went to the mall in the N.O. to get our friend Beth a wedding present, and then brought my sister into our crazy world by using her truck and her muscles to help move a table. We had to go to nikki's cousin's house (whose last name is Sinatra, how cool is that?) and pick up the table and load it into Kathy's truck. When we got there, her cousin was outside and Nikki introduced me.

Nikki: "this is krissy"
Mr. Sinatra: "oh....right...Krissy. Isn't she your wife?"
Nikki: yeah...(laughs)
Krissy: (laughs and shakes his hand)
Mr. Sinatra: "well, this is awkward."

UM...IS IT? Is it awkward? why? I think he thinks that we are really gay for each other. I mean, I love Nikki...but this whole wife thing is just a joke. We were just being facebook idiots. We are not married to each other.

So now as I'm wondering why it's awkward, I'm thinking...."oh my GOD. I'm meeting the family". And then it DID feel awkward. Later on she texted him to make sure he didn't think we were gay lovers. He said he didn't....but I'm not convinced.

After I met my wife's family, my sister, Nikki and I went to Great Lakes for a snack and some delicious beers. It doesn't get any more delicious than Great Lakes beer. Mmmm. My sister and Nikki ordered a beer, and I ordered a fucking sampler. Yes, the broke unemployed girl orders a sampler for HERSELF. Well, they had three new beers and I had to try them, so why not have all nine?

Those beers will get you good. But instead of enjoying a good afternoon of beer drinking and calling it a day (like my sister did...she is much smarter than I am) we decided to find another bar where we could keep drinking, but for less money.

Oh, but first we all stopped at Big Fun..the one they just opened in Lakewood. The big dancing robot almost hit my sister in the face and we walked around laughing at all the crazy stuff. It's been years since I've been to the Coventry store....and my sister has never been. So yeah...good times. then she went home and nikki and i had to make a decision. Which sucks for either of us. Especially when we are trying to figure out where to drink.

Once you get the good beer taste going, it's hard to switch to miller lite. But, after the good beers it's hard to afford even miller lite. Not at the Riverwood at the west end of lakewood. I saw their ad in Scene so we went and checked it out. They have a long happy hour from 4-9, and all pints of beer off the tap are $2. And the beers they have on tap are great! a couple different Great Lakes beers, Dogfish Head, Bells, Blue Moon, Guinness...2 bucks! I also checked out their menu and it is pretty reasonably priced. Quesadillas are 5.50, while the bar a few doors down charges almost ten. So yeah, that is a good thing to know. I can still afford good beer, if only from 4 to 9 on weekdays.

I woke up on Saturday hungover, got a call from Nikki that her car was towed (we are obviously both idiots), and then we had to be at Beth's wedding at 11am. We stopped at McDonalds and threw some crap down our throats so we wouldn't pass out during the ceremony, and made it there a few minutes early. Nice.

Beth looked beautiful and the wedding was really nice. It was at Coe Lake in Berea, in a pavilion overlooking the lake with a violinist playing. Very pretty. Then we walked over to the pavilion, had a very upscale picnic and afterwards left to go to a brewery in Berea called Cornerstone (I think). As much as we didn't want to drink ever again when we woke up, we knew the only thing that could make us feel better was beer. And it did. Yummy.

It was an early wedding, so we left the brewery around 4 or 5. The rest of the night was a blur that involved stopping at the witches grave (seriously?), another bar, a burger, and many more beers.

my lesbian lover and I

with beautiful bethro tull

I woke up sunday like a train drove into my skull. I have been in detox mode ever since. Seriously. I have not had cigarettes, alcohol or coffee in 3 whole days! I am going to try to make it two more...and then I think that will beat my record of the longest I have gone without beer since I was...oh....thirteen maybe?

I don't know what is worse about that last sentence...the fact that five days will be the longest I've gone without beer, or that I started drinking at 13. Jeez.

So yeah...that's it. That's actually the short version. I would tell you the long version.....but I don't remember it :)

Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of my coffee cup

2009-06-11T11:43:00.005-04:00

I woke up today, and read the post I wrote last night, and was like...."I wrote a blog?". Yeah, don't drink the beast and attempt to write things. Or else you will end up drawing a tiny American flag on a post-it with sharpies and taking a picture of yourself with your shitty camera phone, and then going on facebook and telling people to read your crappy blog. What the fuck. Who does that. And even better that I tried to take a picture of my shirt....and if you didn't notice I have boobs, sooo....yes, I look like a myspace prostitute.

I didn't even drink that much. It just hit me like a truck yesterday. I guess that's what happens when you have beer for dinner.

So, after I woke up, and before I realized I wrote a blog, I made some coffee. I looked around for the coffee cup I have been using for the past few days (why keep washing them after one use? a little rinse-out and you're good for at least a few days. I mean, there might be a little coffee rim on the inside of the cup where you stopped drinking the day before...but so what. is that gross?) The point is....I can't find it. To quote my parents when we were growing up, "well Krissy, it didn't just get up and walk away". Knowing full well that my coffee cup does not have legs, I was determined to find the thing. After ten minutes, I almost gave up as I reached for a new mug....but then thought, "maybe it's in the dishwasher".

Um, I don't have a dishwasher. Only once have I had the luxury that is a dishwasher, and that was YEARS ago. So, why would i even think that? The beast. It makes you retarded. Anyway, my apartment isn't that big. Where the fuck is my coffee cup? After I gave myself a "man, you are an idiot" look because of the dishwasher thought, I did in fact have to break down and use another one. Stupid ninja coffee cup....all stealthy and shit.

And actually, the mug that apparently walked away has the logo of my old company on it. Hmmm. Maybe it's hiding from me just like jobs in Cleveland are hiding from me. They must be in cahoots.

Or maybe jobs in Cleveland are hiding from me because I crawl out of bed at noon after drinking Milwuakees best and spend ten minutes trying to find a coffee cup that is probably right in front of my fucking face.

Seriously.

I do love sleeping in on rainy days though. I love cuddling with Bunny while the rain falls and I hear little traces of thunder. So peaceful. And now I am sitting at my computer, with the windows open, looking outside and listening to the cars swish through the rain on the street. After this I think I will go sit on my balcony with the Free Times and my CLEAN coffee cup (do you hear that, other cup? you are dirty!) and read and relax.

Actually, that kind of makes me want to check out Lakewood's semi-new library. That would be perfect on a day like today. I'm sure I'll have some stories after that. Although it can't be as crazy as the downtown library where the homeless people hang out. no offense to homeless people, but DUDE. It does NOT smell good in there. Yikes. Plus one guy literally stalked me out...not in a "I'm afraid for my life" kind of way, but in a "clown at the circus" kind of way. Creepy. He placed his face behind every book I pulled out. If I moved up to pull a book out, so did he. If I moved over two rows, he followed me. yeah....something about that guy was not right.

So....I'm willing to see what the Lakewood library has in store. I need some new books. Maybe they will keep me from writing drunk blogs :)

God loves Milwuakee's Best

2009-06-10T18:56:00.007-04:00

Guess where I went today? Marc's. Yeah, it's like my hangout too now. Me and all my retired buddies who purposely push my cart as they pass by like they are pissed that I'm there. Sorry, dude. Sorry I'm 50 years younger than you and I'm at Marc's during the day. I know it's your turf. I may be younger, but don't worry....I drink like a fish so you will probably live longer than I will.

Let's hope to God that last part isn't true. I mean....the people at Marc's, they're oooolld.

I must be really concerned because I just opened a beer. But this isn't just any beer. It's a 16 oz. Beast Light. I know...gross! It makes high life taste like heineken. Ugh. It's worse than I remember. But I felt so cool buying it because it's in a six-pack plastic ring thingy. The kind that strangles baby ducks in the lake....yeah, you know the kind. I didn't know they still made them. See all the things you learn when you are unemployed? You can indirectly strangle a baby duck for only $3.99! Anyway, it made me feel even cooler and more white trash because I could let it dangle from a few of my fingers like I just don't care about the world. Yeah.

And today I did something that made me feel terribly old and broke. I cut out and organized COUPONS. Ugh! I cut out coupons, and even USED two of them today!!! I felt like Kevin in Home Alone when he goes to the grocery store. yes, I referenced Home Alone. And yes, I still remember the Culkin kid's name in the movie. ANYWAY, I said, "oh, I have coupons" and handed them over, saving a whole $1.25. Then I had to write a check, because Marc's is where time went to die. They are stuck in the ice age. Oh wait, they take Discover. who the FUCK has a discover card?

Anyway, enough about Marc's. jeez.

So I was looking at all these weird options on the blogger layout page......and did you know that you can add a little box on your blog with Stephen King gossip? Yeah, all the latest Stephen King gossip. what the FUCK. is there THAT much stephen king gossip? who on earth would be all about what he is up to? I mean, seriously. I understand the Bible quote thing, the Einstein quote of the day thing, even the random flashing hot girl picture thing.....but Stephen King gossip? fucking seriously.

I almost put a "support the troops" sticker on my blog, because somehow I think I'm being funny....but in reality it's not funny, because people would either think I'm serious, or think I'm being an asshole. Don't get me wrong. I totally LOVE the troops. I would totally hug all of them, and maybe even make out with the hot ones. I'm just not all about slapping stickers on my car with the american flag and yellow ribbons and pro-life shit. If you do....that's great. I'm NOT making fun of you. I mean, I don't think I am, am I? We're all friends. I mean, seriously. I'm drinking MILWUAKEE'S BEST. Plus I'm part hillbilly. So....we're cool. Right?

Wow. I'm ripping on old people, talking about strangling baby ducks and making fun of people that show support for the troops in sticker form. I bet I lost a lot of friends today.

Does this make up for it?

See, God loves baby ducks....and so do I! And I love Jesus! And aMURica! and chics with big boobs who take pictures of themselves!

I'll give you something to put in good hands

2009-06-09T10:19:00.006-04:00

My thoughts are kind of scattered today, so this blog will be too.

1. My thumb hurts. Like really hurts. It hurts to type. It hurts to do nothing. I feel like it looks swollen, but I could be imagining things. I don't know if I sprained it or whatever, but I have no insurance so hopefully it heals up on it's own. I am going to have to be like an old hillbilly that "doesn't like those fancy doctor types" and lets their shit heal all wonky and twisted. Sweet.

2. When I was at the gym the other day, there was a girl who answered her phone right when she got on the treadmill. Not that big of a deal I guess. Well, she continued to talk on her phone for 14 minutes. 14! I am sweating and running and I look over and she's walking and laughing with the phone up to her ear. What the fuck is the point of being on the treadmill if you aren't even going to move? I mean, walking is still good for you. But she was like crawling. And then, the person on the phone put HER on hold. And she waited. For about a minute. Then that person must have had to get off the phone. THEY had to get off the phone, not her. And then she hung up and CALLED SOMEONE ELSE. "Hey. what are you up to?" Seriously???

3. My grandma is funny. She is 89 and I guess I never really started paying attention to her as another person, not just as "grandma", until lately. The past few years I started really listening to her stories. She's got some good ones. And she's got an amazing memory. She grew up in Lakewood and still remembers her old address. And her friend's address on the next street. Plus she said she would go up to the 5 O'Clock on Detroit Rd. The same bar that, many years later, I have walked out of shitfaced on numerous occasions. She would be so proud. Heh. Anyway, I love that right now she tells me about how she can't stand how Rachel Ray says "yummo". She also can't stand Robin Swaboda or Billy Mays, and wishes that the two of them would get in Robin's SUV and drive off a cliff. Oh, Grandma :)

4. The most recent Allstate commercial with the 24 president guy really bugs me. At the end, he says something like, "it's back to basics, and the basics are good. protect them, put them........in good hands". The part that bugs me is after he says "protect them, put them..." he pauses, looks down and THEN says, "...in good hands" and he smiles and it DRIVES ME NUTS. Like he JUST thought of that. Like it wasn't a script and this isn't the 17th take. Oh how clever, it's your little tagline. It seriously makes me want to throw up. Suck it, allstate.

5. Who hates an allstate commercial? jeez.

6. I heard the Agora closed down. So sad. I've had so many good times there. Some of the more memorable shows: Jesus and Mary Chain, A Perfect Circle, Slayer, Meshuggah, Peeping Tom, Social Distortion, Primus, Soul Coughing, Fantomas, Garbage....Man, there are so many more....I just can't remember right now. Nikki, Bobbi and I have had some good times there. The three of us and Beth, my ex Gregg, and Nikki's ex John and I lived in Akron when Fantomas was playing....so we got a room at the Best Hotel. Seriously, we got a room at the hotel right by the Agora. I mean, who does that? But I mean, it was the Best Hotel. How could you pass it up with a name like that? It was like we were on a vacation in another city, even though most of us grew up in Cleveland. The hotel was full of crazy people drinking and partying. There was even a random pregnant girl drinking in our room. I think Nikki's boyfriend peed on me. Good times. Thank you, Agora :)

7. I am seriously a freak about making lists. Sometimes when I make lists I actually write down stuff I already did, so that I feel like I accomplished something. Then I cross it off as soon as I write it down. It's not fair to leave it out just because I decided to make the list AFTER I did it. Right? Anyone?

Violaters will be towtally screwed

2009-06-05T13:16:00.004-04:00

So yesterday was awesome. And by awesome I mean completely the opposite of awesome. Ugh.

I woke up hungover, thanks to the Christmas ale mentioned in the last post. I live on Clifton in Lakewood, which means there are crazy parking rules EVERYWHERE. It's like the nazi germany of street parking regulations. On one side of the street, you can't park there from 7am-9:30am, and on the other side of the street you can't park there between 4pm-6:30pm. I usually try to park on the side street, but it's a small side street, and there are 75 million apartment buildings surrounding it. So....if you get to the side street after 6pm, when MOST people get home from work, your chances of finding a spot are pretty slim.

So if I'm home after 6:30, I park on the "away from downtown" rush hour side. I just have to remember to move my car by 4 PM. No big deal, right?

Wrong. I'm retarded. I have come close to forgetting sooooo many times, but so far in the year I've been here I still remember to run out and move the damn car. Shouldn't be that big of a deal, because who stays in their house until 4pm?

Me. I do. I mope around my apartment in my pjs with my coffee all day. Usually I finally get up and go jog or ride to the gym. Well, this day, thanks to CHRISTMAS ALE (of course!), I was doing laundry and waltzing around when I realized, "OH FUCK", I left my car in the street. It was 6:30pm. So.......it was gone. Towed, thanks to the Lakewood police department and the towing company.

UGH. Here's the part where I feel like a trashball. I am calling my friends and family, begging for a ride. My sister drops what she is doing and comes out (thanks Kathy!) and of course my parents would have too. But Kathy came out and while I waited, I walked up to the police station down the street to get a release form. They said i needed the title or registration, and because I'm a big idiot I leave it in my car. Thank GOD they took the little scrap card that my license plate stickers were on. We would have never made it up to the towing place two times by 8:20. After 8:20 they charge you another day's fee or something. It was already 92 FUCKING DOLLARS. 92!!!

The thing that sucks is that this towing company is like 10-15 minutes away, while there is literally a towing company at the end of my street. Well, not literally. It's at the end of the street next to me. But WHATEVER. it's within walking distance. I could have taken care of everything myself....but oh well. Thank God I have friends and family to help a brotha out.

I was angry and upset, but mostly at myself. When I got to the police station, the officer was sooooo nice it was impossible to be mad at him. I think I said thanks when I left. "hey buddy, thanks for ticketing my car!" Seriously. But it isn't his fault. There are signs everywhere. I'm a dumb ass.

Then we went to the towing company and I wanted to be mad at them, even more so because my purse broke when i was walking in......but I couldn't because they were nice too. The biker guy that works there said, "oh man, it's another cute one" and I'm pretty sure he was referring to me, but I looked around anyway. I was in front of two dudes. So...I laughed uncomfortably and then he told me I needed to pay with cash. Who has 92 dollars in cash in their wallet? In Cleveland? So my sister and I ran to the atm, and came back...and he said, "oh hey, you're back. and you're still cute". More uncomfortable laughing noises came out of me, and then he asked me if he could take me to dinner. Um, ok. Now it's really awkward. Before it was somewhat flattering and nice, now I feel weird. So I laughed again, but it was obvious he was waiting for a reply. I said, "i'm actually drinking ten-cent beers tonight, because I need like a hundred of them". I thought he would say, "where the hell do you get ten-cent beers" but instead he said, "I still want to take you to dinner". At this point I just smiled and looked down at my paperwork. AWK-WARD. I mean, yikes.

Then I fixed my eyes on the biggest rottweiler, and one of the biggest dogs, that I have ever seen. It was amazingly huge and insanely adorable. Big sad eyes and the cutest face. He was literally bigger than me. I wanted to go cuddle and pet him, but I was also kind of afraid he would eat me....so I just smiled at him. Soooo cute.

So anyway...yeah. The guy stopped the awkward comments after that, thank God. So he finished up my paperwork, I gave him my hard-earned unemployment money and again said thanks. "thanks for towing my car!!"

Moral of the story. DO NOT DRINK CHRISTMAS ALE.

At least not in June.

Oh Christmas Ale, Oh Christmas Ale, of all the beers most lovely

2009-06-04T12:37:00.009-04:00

I do not understand how every coffee pot I ever touch seems to drip all over the place when I pour my coffee. I would always blame it on my old coffee maker....but now that i have a nice new one I realize that it's just me. I am constantly wiping coffee off of my countertop. Sometimes I don't do it right away and there are coffee stain pictures all over the place. yes, I am seeing pictures in the coffee stains on my countertop. yes, I realize I am insane. The one I left there yesterday looked like a tiny dog staring up at the continent of Asia.

wow. anyway, I should probably train myself on the proper coffee-pouring technique, seeing as though I may be waiting tables at Denny's soon. (Or committed to the looney bin, not sure which one will happen first.)

I don't know how I've managed to drink the past three nights in a row. Not that I can't handle it (shiiiiit, son!)....but I mean, I have NO JOB. I think I need to reel it in tonight. for my health and my wallet's sake.

Last night Amanda (A Real Housewife of San Antonio) and I went to happy hour. She is moving soon, but before she goes we have been on a once a week mission to hook up cheap happy hours...we are both unemployed but we are both going insane walking around our houses all day talking to coffee stain shapes on the countertop. (well maybe that last part is just me, but you get the idea. We're broke. Have I mentioned that in this blog yet? That I'm broke?) We have been hitting up Around the Corner on wednesdays because they have five-dollar pitchers and everything on the menu is five bucks. Pretty sweet. We get a few pitchers, some food, leave a tip and we're only twenty bucks in the hole. Pretty nice.

Yesterday we decided to change it up, and go to Bar Cento on 25th. She said they have a happy hour, and it would be nice to go somewhere that doesn't have crab races or college frat boys doing shots of jager....at least for one week. There were also rumors of Christmas ale, so we HAD to check it out.

They did have Christmas Ale. at 7.50 a pint! YIKES! Did that stop us from ordering one? Of course not. We had to have one. I mean, come on. It's Christmas Ale. In June. They saved a keg so I was a little worried it was going to taste gross....but it sooo didn't. It was great. It made me think of Baby Jesus, it was that good.

Then we switched to the 5-dollar glass of house red. It was good....and 5 bucks is cheap for good wine. We had a couple glasses, and ordered some 4-dollar "pomme frites"....which is the "we are trying to be cooler than you" way of saying french fries....and they were yummy. Supposedly they are fried in duck fat. which sounds horrendous. But tastes yummy. We also got a 5 dollar white pizza that was super thin, but still pretty good.

Our bill was 52 bucks. Yikes! And somehow my drunk math told me I owed Amanda twenty bucks. And her drunk math, or her politeness, said "ok". Well, Amanda, i owe you 12 more dollars! I won't forget! And no, I won't duck you for the next twenty days before you leave so I can slip out of paying you :)

So, cheap happy hour wasn't so cheap....but it still wasn't all that bad for what we ate and drank, and the fancy-pants atmosphere. Well, not super fancy-pants....I had a dress with jeans underneath and a pair of chucks on. It's one of those places where the lights are dim, the food is expensive....but the bartenders have tattoos and Ghostbusters is playing on the tv. You can walk in with a suit and tie on or an Iron Maiden shirt. Either way, you're good.

This is where the night should end. BUT...her husband came up, and bought a round of Christmas ale. Then his friend ordered ANOTHER round of Christmas ale. 3 Christmas ales, two glasses of wine and one birra moretti, and I should not have been driving home. Yikes. F#$king Christmas ale. Gets me good EVERY TIME.

I am going to take a break from Christmas ale. Until maybe November :)

Oh, and I said i was going to reel it in tonight....and I probably will. BUT, if you aren't, Now That's Class has ten-cent beer night. It's Stroh's, but come on. IT'S TEN CENTS. I would drink Genny Cream Ale for that price. Seriously.

Now can I fight the urge to go hang out with my buddies and drink ten-cent beer? Stay tuned.

My hot dog is bigger than your hot dog.

2009-06-03T11:54:00.004-04:00

Monday night I made it to my first Indians game of the season. And I didn't even have to pay for the ticket, thanks to my buddy Angie. She got some tickets from work and called me to see if I wanted to go. I thought about it for a second, ran my fingers through my unkempt hair, looked down at my coffee and my pajamas and thought, "maybe it would be good to get dressed for something".

I haven't seen Angie in a while, and it is hard to pass up free tickets. I love that even if you have to buy tickets, you can usually hook up a bleacher seat for twelve bucks, and that's pretty sweet. What is not sweet is if you like to drink and you don't have any fun money. $6.75 for a pint of beer? Seriously?

Somehow I only managed to spend 20 bucks the whole night, and I still drank my fill. "Somehow"....like it just mysteriously happened. Angie is awesome, and her friends are pretty cool too. People bought rounds (people that aren't me) and there was vodka and whiskey involved. I bought one beer at the game, and I bought Angie and I a beer at the Old Angle. That's it. I feel like a big unemployed loser, but it's nice to know that your friends are there for you and they have your back.....or your beer.

Oh, and Angie bought us a "super kosher dog". I didn't know they existed, but she took us to a specific hot dog stand at the Jake. (Yes, i refuse to call it the prog! they finally wore me down with the Q, but I am standing my ground this time! Progressive laid off a shit-ton of people and then soon afterwards bought the name to a stadium or whatever? real fucking nice progressive. screw you. i don't care if the girl on your commercials is cute and quirky. if i ever leave state farm, i'm switching to geico. jerks. sorry. rant over!) Anyway....I thought to myself, "I do need a hot dog at the game", because of course you do. it's not baseball unless there are hot dogs and beer involved. I started to get my money ready and then realized that the hot dog was 6-fucking-50. almost seven bucks for a fucking hot dog! super or not, that 's insane. I sort of got out of line, and then Angie asked me what I wanted on my super hot dog....she was already buying me one. That was awesome, because I wouldn't have bought it. I would have went and spent 4 bucks on one of the dinky ones. So yeah, she bought it and I told her that the thing better be as big as a fucking baby's arm for 6.50. And it was. A very small infant's arm, straight out the womb, all red and shit. hhaha. gross. anyway, even with that image, it was great. Thanks Angie :)

The next day I went to the gym and thought I should do some extra ab work, thanks to the super hot dog and all the very super beers I consumed at the game. So, I did way more crunches and stuff than I usually do. It hurt sooooo bad, but I kept at it. I said to myself, "you know what Krissy, you fucking pussy? you can't just workout til it hurts and stop. power through, you stupid son of a bitch". (Yes, myself is a big jerk. she swears at me all the time!) Now I'm in some serious pain, but it's all good. If i didn't work out, I would probably be huge. I already have a little beer gut that I need to get rid of. And I can't stop drinking. I mean, that's crazy talk.

I went to a white trash party with my good buddy Paul, and I had on a wifebeater and said, "look, I barely have to try. my nails are chipped, my roots are ten feet long, and I have a beer gut" to which he replied, "guys like girls with beer guts". Well you know what? Paul is gay. So yeah......I'm sticking with the ab workouts.

In Lakewood, bicycles are more dangerous than shotguns.

2009-06-01T12:56:00.004-04:00

Friday I went to Melt with my buddy Tanya and I had one of the best sandwiches I've ever eaten...the godfather. It is a big ass piece of lasagna covered with cheeses and placed lovingly between two thick pieces of garlic bread. Sooooooo yummy.

It was Melt's sandwich of the month for May, so it's gone now and i'm sad. I had to make sure I made it there so I could try it before the month ended. Even as a little dago, lasagna was always my favorite food. Just thinking about it is making me hungry. Sigh.

Anyway, I'm broke and the sandwich was ten bucks.....but it was worth it. It seriously fed me for a few days. Actually, it was $11.50 because I HAD to get the meat version, with ground beef and Italian sausage. I mean, how can you NOT? Especially if it's only $1.50 more. You are already spending ten bucks anyway.

I always think Melt is so expensive and out of my budget now that I'm jobless, but it's really not too bad. Not too bad for the quality of food, the quality of beer (I was drinking bells oberon pints for $3.50...mmmm) and the quality of the atmosphere.

I can't wait to find out what the June sandwich is....although it will be hard to top May. Or December, with their fried mac and cheese log, covered in cheese and all gooey and yummy in between slices of bread. Sounds like a heart attack, yes. Tastes like angels singing.

Sometimes I wish I was a huge fat guy so I could just eat whatever I want and be like, "hey man, it's cool. I'm fat. give me some food or get out of my way". and then I can just roll around until I got so big that my heart exploded and my body burst into little mini-hamburgers for all the neighborhood children to enjoy.

what the fuck am i saying. good thing I'm not a big fat guy, because that whole scenario is sort of creepy.

Time to go ride my bike to the gym :)

by the way, if you see me riding my bike to the gym, I will be most likely be wearing a helmet now, which I am going to buy as soon as I am done writing this. I have heard about too many people injuring themselves on bikes lately. Some have been minor and some have been really horrible. Plus I watched 7 pounds and I'm really freaked out. It was an amazing movie, and now I feel like I need to start taking better care of myself. Although I did watch it on Friday, and still went on a drunken spree all weekend which involved beer, vodka, cigarettes, mimosas, irish coffee, stuffed french toast and bacon and sausage from the West End Tavern brunch, beer, loaded cheese fries and chicken wings, beer, chocolate cake and a bag of cheetos (not even the baked kind. the regular clog your arteries kind) and more beer.

oh my GOD. how am I not a huge fat guy? seriously.

anyway, I am going to look like a total douchebag with my helmet on, but I have almost been hit a million times, so it's probably better if I wear it. Especially because I have no health insurance. And I'm not a big fan of head trauma either.

I told my dad I was going to buy a helmet, and he said, "no way. you are going to look like such a loser." Thanks dad :)

Please help me pay for my drinking habit

2009-05-27T12:52:00.006-04:00

I have a routine in the mornings where I check my facebook, my email, job sites and craigslist. On craigslist I check the volunteer section, missed connections (because the shit is funny! seriously) and then I check the jobs.

In the volunteer section the other day, I came across this post:

Please help me pay for college

Hey everyone, i have been frantically trying to sell things work more and beg friends for money. my college tuition bill is comming up and i cannot get another loan this year. any help would be appreciated.

email me or send donations through paypal

he then includes his email address. WTF. I mean, WHAT. THE. FUCK! Are you serious? Yeah, can I PLEASE give you money for your college career, stranger that I don't know on craigslist? I would rather give money to a bum for lottery tickets.

There are sooo many things wrong with this.

1. This dude does not go to college. if you really want people to give you money you should probably spell your shit right and throw in some punctuation. no one is going to invest in someone that can't spell and doesn't use commas. (I myself do not use punctuation very well because I'm lazy, but i am not asking you for money...that doesn't mean I don't want it though. feel free. donaytions are axepted at impoorstupidandlazy@gmail.com.)

And if this dude does go to school.....he should just drop out now. He's wasting his time. They teach you to spell "coming" in like third grade.

2. I have sold things, I have worked more hours....but I have never begged friends for money. There's a thing called pride that this guy definitely lacks. Not only does he beg his friends for money, he is begging strangers. You know who else does that shit? Crackheads.

3. There are people STARVING to death and living on the streets, but you just want some money to stay in school? Get another job! Or take a year off and save up to finish school. I mean, yeah, that sucks. But I don't feel sorry for anyone that begs other people for money for something that is an option in life, not a necessity. I went to college....look where it got me. That dude at least HAS a job.

4. It was in the volunteer section!!

I mean...UGH! that made me so mad. I wonder if anyone actually sent him money. It's all probably just some lazy ass junkie that doesn't feel like working or doing anything, so he made up some bullshit hoping that people will feel sorry for him because he can't go to school. The unemployment rate is skyrocketing, but people are going to feel sorry for a dude that can't stay in school? i mean, come up with a better story than that!

Here's what I am going to post:

Please help!

Hello, I am unemployed. I live in Cleveland.

please send donations to seriouslyisntthatenough@gmail.com.

And if that doesn't work....I can add this:

Seriously, please help!

Hello, I am unemployed. I live in Cleveland.

I am on the brink of moving into my parents basement with my grandma.

please send donations to iwishthiswasajoke@gmail.com.

I want to have LeBron's babies. Not One. Not Two.......But Twenty-fucking-three.

2009-05-26T14:54:00.009-04:00

I haven't blogged in like a week. I am blaming this on the Cavs, and memorial day weekend. In a good way.

Game 1 sucked. balls. I really wish we could have had that back...but we can't, so we move on.

And that day was actually a great day. Nikki called off...I absolutely LOVE when my friends call off and hang out with me. And the weather was insanely amazing so we decided to pack up a cooler and head to whiskey island. It was great. A great way to spend a Wednesday afternoon. We drank magic hat all day in the sun on our sweet lawn chairs and then went to the sunset grille. I want to say it was one of the best burgers I've ever had, but I was a little tipsy so you never can tell. I will need to go for round two. Not like I need a reason to have more burgers. Mmmmm. red meat. I didn't eat a lot of red meat when i was with Ray because he doesn't eat it. Since we broke up, I swear I have been making up for lost time.

Anyway, whiskey island is such a cool place. I mean, you can hang out all day in the sun and it's free. I love free stuff. Even if you have a job, free stuff is still sweet.

After I threw a burger into my stomach, we went over to R.Kelly's house to watch the game. Good times. Minus the part where the Cavs lost. Boooo.

The next game? UNbelievable. I mean, holy crap. My formerly unemployed friend Genny and I went to the Reddstone (she had a coupon from some website) so we had lots of great food and didn't spend that much money. I mean, kobe beef corn dogs? YES. And we had lots of leftover food so my next three meals were taken care of. Hell yes. That is key when you're broke.

We then went for cheap beers at PJ McIntyre's...I think we got buckets of bud light for ten bucks. Not bad. There are Cavs specials all over the place, so I've been trying to take advantage of that. And West Park can be a fun place to hang out sometimes. Pretty cheap.

But WHO CARES about that.....back to the game. When stupid Hedo or whatever the fuck his name is hit that two to put the magic in the lead, my stomach dropped. Everyone in that bar felt the same thing. It was so quiet. and sad. I couldn't even look when they started the play with ONE SECOND LEFT. I had a little conversation with God that went something like this:

"Hey God. What's up. So....I know sports are not the most important thing in the world. I don't want to pray for the Cavs to win, because that seems pretty shitty when people are starving and dying and there are much more pressing things going on. But, this city could really use some lifting of spirit. It would make so many people so happy. And that's a good thing, right? I know there is only one second left, but if You want the Cavs to win, we will. Like I said, if they lose, it's cool. Not a big deal. People will be sad because the season will be over...but it's okay. Again, more important things. But if they win......"

And then my conversation was interrupted by screaming. I look up to see the ball going in, then see the score. We FUCKING WON. Yay! Thanks Jesus. Thanks LeBron :)

I have been watching THAT moment over and over again. My sisters and I all have the Tait call as our ringtone on our phones. I never want to answer my phone because I want to hear the whole call. It's just so amazing. That happened. in CLEVELAND.

The rest of the weekend was good. I got two pairs of one dollar flip-flops at old navy on saturday. yay. you can never have enough flip flops, especially when they are one fucking dollar. one black, one brown...and the only reason i even got those is because i have small feet and my weirdo size was still left. People DESTROYED old navy that day. I wanted a whole bunch of different colors like they show in the arms of the modelquin on the commercial....but unfortunately people in Cleveland are just as broke as I am and they flocked to that place early to get the sweet deal. I am NOT getting up early to stand outside of Old Navy like a savage for dollar flip flops, no matter how broke I am. Insane.

Sunday my parents had a cook-out that involved margaritas that my dad made with fresh strawberries. mmm. My mom made some yummy bbq chicken and I made some corn, avocado, tomato and black bean salsa. it was good stuff...although next time I will make it with more heat. more jalapeno for sure. oh and mary made veggie pizza. num num. and there was also kickball and the opening of the tiki bar. yay for summer.

I also made a berry cobbler. How cute is this? Throw some whip cream on the shit and you got your red, white and blue. Yeah.

Holy shit. this is a long blog. I think it might be time to stop typing. Jeez. Anyway, I have to go prepare for this game tonight by getting drunk by myself in my apartment. I just don't have the energy to go out. and if they lose....no one wants to see me cry. Heh.

Lions and Tigers and Beer......Oh My!

2009-05-19T10:28:00.004-04:00

A few Mondays ago my buddy Nikki and I went to the zoo. Nikki works during the week, but that day she had taken off and I woke up to a text that said, "want to go to the zoo?" and I replied, "YES!"

The zoo is free on Mondays, and I haven't been there since I worked there when I was 19. I love being outside during the day, and it was nice and sunny. Great day for some zoo time, and the fact that it's free is great for my broke ass.

My camera phone is shitty. Yes, I'm a graphic designer and I don't have a digital camera. Yes, I know I suck. I'm poor. Here's a bear.

I have been to the zoo so many times as a kid, and I never realized how lucky we are in Cleveland to have such a great place to go to. I mean, do kids in the middle of the plains of Nebraska know what a giraffe looks like in person? How many people have seen a bald eagle a few feet away? Or a gorilla?

Ugh...speaking of the gorillas....it is soooo sad. They just sit there and pout and mope. They look miserable, and because they look so human it just feels wrong to sit there and stare at them through some glass while they are stuck in a cage. You just know they want to give you the middle finger.

And then there are those people that yell over at the animals, "hey, big guy, look over here! say hi! hey, come on! look over here! look at me! smile for my stupid camera!" (THAT guy has a camera and I don't. wtf).

I want to punch that guy. And then steal his camera. I bet the gorilla would like that.

Oh, and Nikki and I also got to see a baboon with a hard-on. WHY. ugh. i still can't get that skinny red penis out of my head. why are baboons so gross? I mean, are they TRYING to gross you out? their ass is red and calloused, and they walk around jerking off all the time. I mean, whatevs I guess. At least they look like they are having a good time.

After we had enough zoo time, we decided we were thirsty. We went to the Beer Engine in Lakewood. I love that bar, but it's not the cheapest ever. They have some really great beer on tap though, and good food. Their happy hour was a dollar off all drafts, so we got some Buckeye beer that was actually pink in color. It was like a strawberry something or other. it was really delicious (although you can probably only drink one or two)...but they were still $3.50 each. I am unemployed. And I was thirsty. So if I was going to drink as much as I wanted, staying there was not going to fit in the budget.

We cruised around town, trying to decide where to go...and we drove and drove...up madison, down detroit....and then thought that maybe we should try a bar that neither of us has been to. If you know us, you know this would seem like a very hard feat for us to accomplish. Right after we decided to do it, she said, "have you ever been to Casey's?" as she pointed across the street to a little dive bar. I said, "actually, no!" and I pulled in and parked. Sweet.

We walked inside, and it was only a couple of really old guys (like, in their eighties) and the bartender. We sat down. We ordered two miller lites. She brought us two ENORMOUS frosted mugs full of ice-cold beer. Then she said, "that will be two bucks". Nikki said, "total??"...and yes, it was the total. One dollar each. That is some happy hour. I started a tab, which the bartender then told us would have a ten dollar minimum.

I looked at Nikki and said, "Well we better start drinking!"

And that we did. I love Mondays :)

Rub some Tussin on it

2009-05-15T11:51:00.004-04:00

So I was around a cat yesterday and now I am paying for it. My airways are all messed up and I'm having problems breathing.

fun city!

you might say, "You know what helps asthma, Krissy? NOT SMOKING". Yeah, I know. Since my lenten break I have severely cut down....but it's still not exactly quitting. I am getting there though....I think.

Anyway....being that I am uninsured, (COBRA can suck me), I am trying to avoid a trip to the ER for a breathing treatment. I started thinking about how once I had heard that drinking hot coffee would help. Not sure if it's the caffeine or the heat that is supposed to help, but I figured it's worth a shot. Actually, I drink a pot a day anyway....so I just decided to go about my normal routine.

As I sat here drinking my coffee, trying to relax, I decided that maybe there are other home remedies for an asthma attack. It was worth a google search anyway.

After sifting through a shitload of methods, weird ass herb remedies and comments from users, this is what I have found.

-Stick your head in the freezer
-DON'T stick your head in the freezer
-take a steam shower
-smell honey
-eat honey
-drink hot coffee
-go to the health food store and buy supplements of things you have never heard of in your life...doesn't matter what they are, just grab a couple. Mullien and wild cherry tree bark? PERFECT.
-buy a chihuahua and sleep next to it (I wish i was kidding)
-eat some peppermints
-stick a bulb syringe of baking powder, water and some other shit up your nose
-mix the grossest things together and drink it. Example: cloves of garlic, cinnamon, thyme, honey, olive oil, radishes, fenugreek seeds, the root of a sycamore tree and the kidney of the firstborn son of an ox without defect.
-take grind kheel of borax (WHAT THE F#$K?)
-drink alcohol, at least 4 or 5 shots of hard liquor
-do NOT drink alcohol at all
-smoke marijuana
-go outside
-DO NOT go outside
-drink milk
-WHATEVER YOU DO DO NOT DRINK MILK

So I decided to pick the ones I like best. Needless to say, I am drinking coffee, smoking weed, eating a peppermint with some honey (which I am about to chase down with my third shot of whiskey) as I wait for my shower to fill up with steam.

Now if only I could find a chihuahua...

"There's got to be a better way!"

2009-05-14T11:32:00.005-04:00

I love the word "terrific". It isn't used enough as it should be. I do NOT like the word "cinch" as in, "I can do that. It will be a cinch!" UGH. pinch though....doing something in a pinch...that doesn't bother me. yeah. weird.

AND "HUBBY". I can't even call it a word...it doesn't deserve that. It is an abomination. When someone says that it should burn their mouth as it comes out...if they type it their fingers should form a fist and punch them in the face. I mean, seriously.

If you use it....I'm sorry. I still like you. It's just that it is probably one of my biggest pet peeves and makes me cringe. If you are talking to me about your husband and you say it, I will smile and nod and keep listening to you....but just know that inside, a little piece of me just died.

Speaking of dying...has anyone seen the catheter commercial with the dude giving away free catheters? "Stop using dirty catheters"...seriously? people use their own catheters at home? and they do it themselves? ugh! and then on top of that they RE-USE THEM??? Yeah, no SHIT you are getting infections lady. Yikes!

For some reason I feel like I have to pee now.

5-3, Animus still wins

2009-05-07T10:05:00.007-04:00

From my animus (look it up, pervert!):

The Browns Draft.
I actually think it went well. At first I was a little upset with picking a center with our first pick (when we finally did pick)...but the more I thought about it and talked about it with people, I realized that maybe it's good to be able to protect your QB, eh? I just hope to GOD it's Brady Quinn and not DA. I can't watch another season with Anderson. And again, not that it's all his fault...but I really would like a fresh start and just get rid of all the traces of Romeo's coaching staff.

Draft Day.
Many beers were consumed. See below picture.

Yeah.

LeBron James, MVP.
It's about time! I mean, if he didn't get it this year, there would have been rioting. You can't say that anyone else is more valuable than LBJ right now.

I sooo want to have this man's babies. And not because of the money. Because of his absolute AMAZINGNESS.

The Cavs.
I am so nervous. I mean, the fact that it looks like we can win this whole thing scares the shit out of me. I'm a Cleveland fan, how can i not be scared? The drive? the fumble? The shot? Jose fucking mesa? Yeah.....I'm nervous. But if we do win this, (and if ANYONE in this city can do it it's LeBron), this city is going to be electric! So I'm insaneley excited and love watching them play....but instead of jumping up in the air just yet....I still have one foot on the ground, just in case.

Favre.
I love the guy. But....don't you think playing for the Vikings will sort of ruin his whole Green Bay legacy? Is he THAT bitter with them? I mean, I'll continue to cheer the guy on if he does play for the Vikes. But, if it was Cleveland instead of Green Bay, and a long time Superbowl winning beloved QB (maybe like Kosar if he played longer and won the Superbowl) left after all those years to play for the Steelers, I would be pretty ticked off.

And, of course, from my Anima:

Baking.
I am in a cake and cookie baking mood. I have a list of some essentials that I need to buy in order to make some homemade cakes and cookies....and I think after i have those I am just going to start conducting baking experiments in my kitchen. You should stop by, I'll be the crazy girl covered in flour with cakes all over her apartment.

Pink.
(Not the singer/songwriter.) I feel that my subconscious is making me buy all sorts of pink colored items to compensate for the fact that I am otherwise a boy. I mean, okay, not literally. I do not have a penis. I just don't know why I know who the back-up QB for the Washington Redskins is, or how I know what a safety does, or how I know who Gambit is and what he does, or why I like putting furniture together or why I like beer so much. But then I don't know how to style my hair, or who is wearing Dolce & Gabbana sunglasses on the red carpet, or what the fuck dolce & gabbana even is, or how to sew or whether or not Brad Pitt is still with Angelina Jolie. But then...the craziest thing happened. Everything started to balance out some years ago when I became seriously obsessed with pink. The 20-year old version of myself would have kicked my own ass for coordinating my pink polo with a pink polka-dot hair clip and pink sparkly flip flops. Then again, the 20-year old version of myself wore combat boots, enormous band t-shirts and listened to death metal. I think I even said to my mom once that I hated flowers and sunshine. Who hates flowers and sunshine?? Thank God I balanced out and my anima pushed it's way through. I don't really care about Dolce & Gabbana, but i would like to know how to sew and I would love to know how to actually do something to my hair other than putting it up in pigtails, which makes me look like a ten-year old. Plus I love flowers and frilly martinis and wearing skirts and baking cookies and being neurotic and pretending things are fine even when I'm really mad........so I guess I am in fact a girl. yay.

Side note: Girls bake and guys watch sports. Those aren't narrow-minded stereotypes at all.

Lilacs.
My favorite flower....and they're in bloom right now! But get your fill while they are here...they don't last long :(

It's a girl!

2009-04-30T20:26:00.004-04:00

My sister Kathy suckered me into going to shop for fabric with her...by asking me if I wanted to go get dinner. I said yes, and then she knew I was free so she said, "oh, by the way, you are coming with me to get fabric".

sweet. fabric shopping. with kathy, who is just as indecisive as me. the difference is that I will at one point just say "fuck it" and put off making the decision, while she HAS to make the decision by the time she choses or the world will blow up.

it actually wasn't that bad. i mean, what do i actually have to do? sit in my apartment and watch the same five episodes of family guy they play on tbs over and over again?

well, she decided to put off the decision, and we went to one of the best mexican restaurants around, El Jalapeno (If you are from the AK, it's very much like Mariachis or El Rincon). After the much debated "should we get a pitcher, or just a glass?" conversation that ALWAYS turns into ordering a pitcher....we ate a lot of chips, some food (and only spent about 20 bucks a piece...not bad)..and drank some yummy margaritas.

Kathy of course wants to go back to Jo-Ann Fabrics, because now she has her heart set on something and just wants to get it over with. Of course, I go with her, because AGAIN, what do I have to do? (Seriously.) We are a little buzzed from the margaritas and we go back to the store. Then we bring the fabric up to the very nice lady who helped us figure out how much we needed, told us it was on sale, and that she didn't even need as much as she thought. Sweet. Then kathy told her that we were actually in the store earlier, but we got drunk and came back. She actually thought it was funny and pretty much said she was jealous, so the lady at Jo-Ann fabrics became my new favorite person.

As we were standing in line, we were both grumbling about how full we were. I mean, we didn't eat that much food, but those margaritas always make you feel like you just want to roll around on the ground and whine. or just keep drinking. maybe the key is not stopping? that doesn't sound right.

I decided that I would make a very cute pregnant chic. I mean, I just push my gut out, and start rubbing it and arching my back like it's a real burden getting around...and people would probably be like, "wow, look at the cute little pregnant chic".

And yeah.....I'm naming her Margarita.

Heeeeeeere's Krissy

2009-04-29T14:32:00.003-04:00

I was out of my apartment for a bit on Monday night.....but since then I have been trapped indoors. Well, not trapped. But I really don't have anywhere to go. And up until late last night, I didn't have any desire to go anywhere.

I am now going a bit insane. I am wearing the same pajamas I put on Monday night. It is Wednesday morning. I know, gross. I'm such a bum.

Presently, I think I might be hallucinating twins in the hallway.

I need to get out. Thank GOD Amanda and I are getting a drink tonight. I do NOT want to be writing, "all play and no work makes krissy a dull girl".

Unemployment has it's benefits

2009-04-24T15:15:00.007-04:00

No, not the medical/dental/401k kind of benefits.....

This kind:

It is 77 and sunny in good ol' cleveland, ohio. I walked up to liquid planet this morning, got a smoothie and read the paper. then i took a bike ride to the lake and laid in the sun with a book. I had on a TANK TOP and FLIP FLOPS. seriously?

so great :)

Dear....

2009-04-24T10:21:00.002-04:00

Eric Mangini and George Kokinis,
Please don't make me throw away my Quinn jersey. I didn't get much use out of it, and it cost my ex-boyfriend 50 bucks. Plus I really don't want to add it to the back of my closet where my Tim Couch jersey is collecting dust. I wish I could have found a Cribbs jersey (my boy from Kent state..woot woot!) instead. Sigh. I will NOT be buying a Sanchez jersey, and if you draft him and I see you in public, Man-kok, I will give you the evil eye and shake my head in disappointment. You don't want that now, do you???

COBRA,
fuck you. seriously. I mean, great...thanks for making health insurance cheaper (but still too expensive for unemployed people to really afford) for a period of six months. but why do you have to make the whole process so difficult? I have insurance as of april 1st, but I can't see a doctor until the middle of may. W.T.F.

ESPN,
I sware they make you remove part of your brain if you become a member of the media. There are so many people spinning all kinds of crap and starting all kinds of rumors on what's happening on draft day. This team is doing this, or this team doesn't like this guy, they are going to pick this guy.....you know what??? you don't know! stop pretending you know everything and that everything you say is a fact. It's not! I wonder how many coaches and gms, the people actually making the decisions, watch this crap and laugh. I would. And then I would hold a press conference and call out the individual reporters who announced these facts and tell them they are idiots.

Christian Bale,
I really, really love you. Mmm.

House centipedes,
I really, really hate you. Ick.

Gevalia 12-cup stainless steel programmable coffee maker,
I can't wait to meet you. I'm so happy my friend is giving you to me...I already threw away my old piece of crap coffee maker. I mean, don't get me wrong, my old coffee maker and i have had some good times....but it's time for a change. Especially a change where i can wake up to coffee that is already made. Modern technology is great.

Well, now that i don't have a coffee maker i have to walk up to starbucks or something. but it's like 70 degrees out so I don't mind one bit!

I will say this is one day I am happy to be unemployed :)

The men on my mind this morning.

2009-04-23T11:16:00.009-04:00

Zack Morris. He is SUCH an ass! Seriously? what a cocky mother f#$ker. Sometimes I have to literally change the channel because I can't watch. And yes, I watch saved by the bell. I fall asleep to tbs a lot of times, and in the morning i watch saved by the bell and fresh prince before getting out of bed. If i have real insomnia, I watch married with children...that's on at like 5 or something crazy. I love al bundy :) Anyway, I do not love zack. They always show that he has learned his lesson by the end of the episode, and everyone is all lovey dovey because they know zack has a good heart...blah blah. how many times does he have to f#$k up before he learns his lesson? After-school specials do it in one movie. He does it every day for years.

And what particularly pissed me off was when Jesse thought she needed glasses and asked Zack if guys like girls with glasses and he moved back and said something like, "ew! no!"

wtf. thanks Zack. Well, who cares if you don't like my glasses...I don't like you!

I guess glasses were a lot bigger then though. I have some good pictures of myself in the early nineties with glasses my grandmother wouldn't wear. I mean, was that the style? did they only make big glasses? or did my mom just want me to look like a loser?

Michael Crabtree. I think I'm going to take back saying that it would be good if the Browns picked Crabtree. I mean, he is awesome. If the Browns do pick him, sweet. I won't be upset. But I'm thinking it's sort of risky to pick a receiver with the fifth pick. We really should hook up a sweet kid to play defense...like Aaron Curry. Oh how great that would be...but he will be gone. If no one else picks him, Seattle will for sure take him with the fourth pick. But there are other good defensive players in the top ten. They aren't as sexy a pick as Crabtree...but a very solid, smart pick because we really could use some franchise d.

But I won't mind if we pick Crabtree. I think he has the ability to really electrify this offense, which is what it needs. The only pick that would piss me off is if we take a QB. People think we might take Sanchez and that makes me want to vomit. I feel like QB is one of the only places where we are not completely lacking.

So yeah. It will be interesting.

Jesus. Because He's sweet. And I have this exact picture...you know, super-white Catholic Jesus...hanging up by my kitchen. He's looking at me right now. He's got some long flowing hair and a sweet beard. Part of me wonders if you are supposed to have pictures of Jesus when in the old testament God says to never make an image of Him...but then there are pictures of Jesus everywhere, and how can that be bad? Then again the old testament also says you should be put to death if you are homosexual, and that is insane. No wonder there are so many awful hate crimes against homosexuals. It also says you can't wear clothes made of two different kinds of fabric. Or something. I mean, huh? Ugh. Religion. so confusing. I wish there was a way that you could believe in all religions and have it all somehow make sense. If you get past some of the laws that people twist around, all religions have a great message of love and peace. Jesus was a pretty sweet, loving dude. I doubt he would roll up to a gay guy's house and throw stones at him. Extremists of any religion are scary. Okay...I got a lot deeper than i wanted to, just because my Jesus picture is staring at me.

This guy. Do you have to ask why?

Hey Jabroni

2009-04-22T11:40:00.003-04:00

Dude, the Iron Sheik is waiting for the bus outside my window. I'm staring at him right now. I would take one of my amazing camera phone pictures, but I'm actually scared of him! I mean, I know it's not really him....actually, I think it's a chic...but the fact that it looks like him is scary enough. I would be afraid that he would start yelling things at me, break my phone and kick my ass. So yeah....just know that right now I am staring out my window right into his crazy face.

Too bad it's not the Rock waiting for the bus. I would run out to my balcony like it's mardi gras. For some reason I think he is so hot. And I don't like guys with big muscles. Not my type at all...but I would make one hell of an exception for him.

So yeah, I am burning off a hangover from last night's dollar-tacos-turned-into-25-dollar-bar-tab-somehow. And that was before we went to the Richland for "one more".

25 dollars is not a big bar tab, by the way. But it's still a lot of money to me right now...especially when you think you are going to have a super cheap night. Oh, mojitos. I can't resist you in pitcher form.

It was all worth it to see my sister's drunken rendition of "I want to break free" by Queen, and to start a bar sing-a-long to david allan coe with my sisters and my friend Genny. Good times.

"well I was drunk....the day my mom...got out of prison"

Gotta love a song with lyrics like that :)

My sister, Mrs. Hartline

2009-04-21T14:27:00.007-04:00

Draft day is approaching, and it's one of my favorite days of the year. Same with my dad. We get to the bar early and just get drunk as we wait for the Browns pick. If you are a Browns fan, it's usually the best day of the season. One of the only days that you actually have hope. heh.

So, I'm very curious to see who the Browns pick, with this new regime, or as my dad likes to call the new coach/gm duo, "Man-kok".

A lot of people seem to think we are going to take Orakpo...which would be good. We do need to hook up that D line. Then again, we need just about EVERYTHING. I don't think we should waste an early pick on a QB that we don't know what he will be like, when we already have a QB that we don't know what he is really like. You can't judge BQ on last year. Last year was a f#@king mess. I don't want to blame it all on romeo, but that coaching staff was just awful and frustrating to watch.

Crabtree would be great. I know he's got the boot thing on his foot, but I think he will be fine. Even with that I think he'll be a top 5 pick..at least top ten. I saw him on the cover of ESPN magazine with the quote, "I could probably run a 4.4 with crutches". Now that is confidence.

The Browns will probably pick him, and his leg will fall off or something. Heh.

I am going to try not to be the self-hating pessimistic Browns fan as much this year...but is there any other such thing? I mean, it is HARD to be optimistic.

Anyway, someone sent me an article about the Browns picks, and I stumbled across this picture:

That is Brian Hartline, from OSU. And the girl he's faux-banging is his fiance or something. Okay, no big deal, right?

This is my sister Kathy:

Wow. She is going to hate me for putting this up here....but, seriously??? I think she has a twin somewhere in Columbus.

"Relax. It's just a phase. You'll grow out of it."

2009-04-21T13:18:00.003-04:00

I slept in until 11:30 today, and I only woke up because my sister called me. I haven't been able to sleep that long in a while. And I had a really great, deep sleep. That is sooo unlike every other night. I am giving the credit to tylenol pms...which is just great, because all I need is another addiction.

I brew a pot of coffee in the morning and drink the whole thing. I sort of thought that maybe this was weird...but then my mom told me that she would drink a pot every day when my siblings and I were growing up. There were five of us. I think I would need a couple pots of coffee, some vicodin, a bottle of jack and at LEAST 75 beers to be able to deal with that. YIKES. How does anyone have five kids??

So I know it's just me in my apartment, but my one pot gives me something to do in the morning. When it's gone, I feel like I accomplished something. Shut up...don't take that joy away from me! That feeling doesn't happen very often these days :)

So, now it's well past noon and I have to get ready for happy hour. Yay. From a pot of caffeine to a pitcher of mojitos. Yum. Yes, I am broke...how can I afford mojitos? Well, I really can't. But Johnny Mango has dollar tacos....DOLLAR tacos....and i'm thinking that the money I will save on dinner will help me pitch in for a few pitchers with my sister, cousin and a couple of my buddies. I would say my buddies would get my back because they feel sorry for my unemployedness...but they are all unemployed. Every single one of them. My sister, my cousin, my buddies, me.....Crazy! So yeah...no sympathy from them. heh.

For some reason we are still meeting at 5. I don't think any of us can shake the work schedule yet. But I want to take advantage of some day drinking! Maybe when the weather gets nice it will be easier to talk my friends into drinking at noon :)

Okay so there is some latin dance music blaring somewhere outside of my apartment. I don't know whether to be annoyed or to just start salsa dancing. I am dreaming of mojitos and tacos already...

so maybe I'll start dancing :)

Livin' the high life

2009-04-16T18:42:00.004-04:00

The other night I went downtown with a few friends for half-price sushi at Sushi Rock. Being broke, I thought it would be a great way to still enjoy some really great food, even though I'm on a limited budget.

Wait, I am on a fixed income. How funny is that. Oh my GOD, I'm turning into an old lady. I WAS watching the weather channel today. And I do hang out at the drugstore in the middle of the day.

wow.

anyway, back to half-price sushi. It was really, really great. And really cheap. A 6-piece maki roll was only 3 bucks. So my friends and I got a few different rolls and did some splitsies. Again, really yummy. The problem is that my beer was $4.50. $4.50, seriously? They actually have half-price martinis and beer specials during the week for happy hour, just not on half-price sushi day. Wtf. They probably figure that losing a little money on the sushi evens out when they aren't losing it on the drinks. Jerks.

Needless to say, I got one beer. Sigh. Very unlike me.

If I could learn to just drink water during dinner, that would be a really great deal. But I'm an alcoholic....so.....yeah.

:)

The weather in Cleveland went from cold and snowy to sunny and 60! yay. spring is here. finally! I probably shouldn't speak too soon, but for now I'm trying to enjoy every moment.

I went on a bike ride the other day to the gym; it was great. But I noticed that the amount of people in the gym during the day has at least doubled. That either means that more strippers and bartenders are starting to work out, or that there are more unemployed 9-5ers that need a hobby.

Also, I bet miller high life sales are up. I saw two different people grab a 12-pack as I was walking towards the beer aisle. Two people in less than a minute! And I grabbed the last pack of light. I actually stepped up the pace as I walked towards it before someone else took it. Then, as I looked around like I was stealing something, I grabbed the beer and pictured myself all out fighting over the last one with some other broke chic.

The way this economy is going, I feel like that could actually happen...physically fighting with another person over the last gallon of distilled water at the grocery store. I know...I'm a paranoid freak.

But i better keep my gym membership, just in case.

Who says you can't ride your bike to the bar?

2009-04-08T10:57:00.004-04:00

"I will kick a kitten if it snows again." – my buddy Amanda, who apparently stole it from my buddy Paula :)

It snowed the past few days in Cleveland. In April. Not that it's that shocking...it's happened every April for years. It still sucks though. And it just makes me not want to do anything. I tried to work on my portfolio, resume, all that...which is good. But now I have cabin fever and I need to get out from behind my computer. I still have a lot to do though. I have to apply for a couple jobs this week, I have more updating to do, a couple freelance things for a friend....ugh. But the sun is shining! (Kittens all over Cleveland are sighing with relief).

It is going to be sooo hard to be laid off and stay motivated in the summer. I will be at the beach everyday, soaking up every bit of sun from this moody ohio sky. I mean, it will be great to be laid off in the summer because there will be so much more to do...but it will just be hard to keep myself on track in the career department. Do you look like a douchebag if you take your laptop to the beach?

Who knows though. Maybe I will find a job by then. Maybe I won't. I will try to make the best of either situation.

For now...I actually shelled out 189 dollars this month for cobra. Sooo...I actually have health insurance! I can ride my bike! I might only be able to afford it this month though, so I should get some serious bike riding in. Maybe break a leg just because I can. heh.

That's probably not funny. Watch me break my leg now. I've never broken a bone in my life and it will probably happen at the exact second that my health insurance expires. Sweet!

I went out to happy hour with one of my laid off buddies last night....and discovered that you can get four pints of Miller Lite and an order of quesadillas, plus leave a twenty percent tip, for fifteen bucks. Fifteen! pretty good. Happy hour at Merry Arts in Lakewood. Good stuff.

With all the money I saved, I went across the street and got a six-pack of Dogfish Head 60 minute for $8.99. Not the best decision when you're broke. I just really miss good beer. sigh.

Maybe I'll start making my own. Where can a girl get a good deal on some hops?

I'll give you a pint of milk for a bushel of wheat

2009-04-06T11:46:00.003-04:00

In the past month, more than half of my friends have been laid off. It's insane. I know more people without jobs than with them. Seriously.

It's freaking me out! I feel like my whole view of the world is different. I'm actually scared. I'm sure it's not as bad as that, but I feel like at any moment everyone is going to be living in their parents' basements, reverting to the barter system to get grain and milk.

It's weird. I've been pretty optimistic about being unemployed lately. Not that I think I'm going to find a job, but that i can make some good changes in my life. Then I get another phone call from a friend that just got laid off, and then another and another.....and I start looking out the window like an old crazy lady. Not really "looking" as much as maybe "peering". And I mean...why? What do I think I'm going to see? Balls of fire falling from the sky?

All I know is that every time a friend gets laid off, all I can say is, "I'm sorry. I know...it sucks. Bitches need to calm down! Beers this week?"

I am going out for a lot of beers this week.

Oil and spice and everything nice.

2009-04-01T21:26:00.003-04:00

A friend of mine gave me a super-cheap salad dressing recipe that is absolutely the best and so easy to make. Chop up some tomatoes, cucumbers and onions and then mix in the following ingredients and you will start craving this salad.

Olive oil
red wine vinegar
basil
oregano
salt
pepper

I know olive oil is a little expensive, but if you go to Aldi, they have pretty big bottles for only four bucks.

Anyway, it's so simple, so delicious....and so easy on the wallet. You will never buy store-bought dressing again. Even after you get a job :)

You could drink this dressing...it's that good. Seriously.

Drink up!

2009-04-01T10:20:00.009-04:00

I drink a lot of liquids. I love good wine, great beer, a delicious cup of coffee.....my wallet, on the other hand, does not like these things. At all. So, I've had to compromise with my stupid jerk wallet. Here's a list of drinks that I've discovered to be affordable and not too terrible :)

1. Carlo Rossi jugs of wine. You can get a 1.5 liter small jug for $5.99. That's like two bottles of wine. And if you somehow polish off a bottle of wine in a night and get sad when there is no more, like me, this is a deal. I am sort of partial to their Paisano wine. Not amazing wine by any means....but cheap as shit. And if you buy their Sangria, you can pour that into a pitcher, throw in some cheap rum, some soda water, and a couple pieces of fruit (apples, oranges and limes are cheap)....and you have a great summer drink to share with your buddies. And it's under fifteen bucks.

2. Miller High Life Light. The Champagne of Beers. It's like $6.81 for a twelve-pack, and although it's not the best beer ever, it's better than Busch or Natty. And it's much better than feeling like you are in college drinking warm Busch or Natty on some random person's porch. Plus it's still just as cheap. It's like the grown-ups' cheap beer. Plus they almost have this weird trendy following now, like PBR does. So it won't make you feel like a total loser when you have a twelve-pack of high life in your cart at the grocery store and you run into someone you know that actually HAS a job. And you can get it in Light now, so you won't turn into a huge fat ass now that you drink all day.

3. Gilbey's London Dry Gin. I like gin and tonic. Something I thought I would have to do without for a while. But, at $8.95 a bottle, this isn't bad. My favorite is Bombay and tonic, but of course that's a little too pricey for me these days. This does not taste as delicious as Bombay. But if you throw some tonic and a lime in there, it's still pretty good.

4. 8 O'Clock Coffee. I really like good coffee. So, when I lost my job, I attempted to just get the cheapest stuff I could find. I found target brand coffee for 2 or 3 bucks. It was NOT good. So, seeing that I am going to be home all day drinking coffee, I decided I had to find something better. The 8 o'clock coffee is delicious. And it's cheap. It's about 4 dollars, and at Marc's it's two for seven. $3.50 a bag! pretty good....although you have to hang out with all the old people at Marc's during the day. It's like their hood. they love it. Anyway, I buy either the Colombian or the Dark Italian Roast (I know, just because I'm italian doesn't mean I have to buy everything italian)...I buy it in whole bean, and grind it right there. It's so much fun! I was so excited when I did it the first time. You would not believe how many stupid things excite a person who has nothing to do.

5. Drink the Kool-aid. Okay, I know. I'm not five. but sometimes, after drinking Carlo Rossi or high life, I wake up with a thirst that water just does not seem to quench. I need some sugar. or something. But buying gatorade, iced tea, pop or vitamin water can get expensive. So, I found that they sell sugar-free grape kool-aid (sugar-free so that I don't gain a hundred pounds from drinking sugared water all day long. not that the jug of wine that I drank the night before helps any). It's just under three bucks, and it comes with six packets. You pour the packet in a pitcher, and then add water. It says to add two quarts, but I stretch my money even farther by adding more. I don't like it super sugary anyway, so it tastes good and lasts a lot longer. It's great because you don't have to buy granulated sugar to add to it, and it's much better for you anyway. I think it even says that it's a good source of vitamin c. how about that.

I went to go take a picture and realized that I seriously have all of this right now. I also realized that I drank almost the whole jug of wine last night. Yikes.

"I'm growing my hair out"

2009-03-31T10:30:00.003-04:00

At least that's what I'm telling people. In reality, I'm really just too broke to spend forty bucks on a haircut. sigh.

I have been letting it "grow out" for so long that the ends are ready to break off themselves and jump into a bottle of lotion. I'm not even going to get into my roots/highlights ratio. I am making trailer trash chics jealous.

It figures because it usually takes people a really long time to find a hair stylist that they like and that they trust. Maybe not everyone, but it sure did for me. One of my ex's friends, Andrea, just started working at this cute little salon and she is just amazing. The salon is adorable.

And now I can't afford to go. Boo. But for now...I think I have found an answer. I was looking in the Gold Clipper or something and they had a coupon for a beauty salon that does facials, manicures, pedicures, and all sorts of salon services for super super cheap. Did I say it was a salon? I meant beauty SCHOOL. There was a coupon for a haircut for $5.50. Seriously? There may be hope for me after all.

You might say, "DUDE. I don't want a student cutting my hair. They don't know what they're doing". And I have a few things to say to that.

1. I've had HORRIBLE haircuts from people that have been doing it for years.
2. They might have some cool new ideas.
3. It sure beats getting drunk and doing it myself, which was my next plan of action.

If all you need is a trim, (which I do), why spend 45 bucks when you can spend 15? especially when you have A. no job and B. no money?

So....if you need a haircut and you are unemployed like me, look into beauty schools. It might be a good way to go. Or....you could wait until I go to find out whether I have a horror story for you or not :)

To be continued....

Sleepwalking

2009-03-27T13:15:00.000-04:00

"When you have insomnia, you're never really asleep, and you're never really awake." — Fight Club

Since I've been laid off, I have had serious insomnia. I usually go to bed around midnight, wake up around three, and then watch random shitty movies on tbs and don't really fall back asleep. I watch the clock turn to 4, then to 5.....until about 7, when I think I doze off for a bit. For a while I was waking up at nine, and then falling asleep until noon. Now that I am trying to be "up and at 'em" earlier so I don't fall into the unemployed sleep all day rut, it's really weird. My body has been running on only around three hours of sleep a night.

This morning was no different. I finally said "screw this" and got out of bed around 8. I did some facebooking, like the loser that I am, ate some cereal and watched some HGTV. Then I decided because it was a gorgeous day, I should get out and take a walk.

I have a cold. And a cough. An asthma cough that sucks right now. I have no health insurance, so I've been trying to take it easy. That means no gym this week. And that SUCKS. I feel like a turd. So I figured a nice easy walk would be good for me.

I got all hoodied and chuck taylored up, and went to Starbucks. For the first time ever, I didn't order a latte or a mocha. I'm unemployed. So....I ordered a regular ass coffee. Sigh. It was okay though. Who needs foamy milk and vanilla syrup anyway? Not this guy. At least that's what I told myself.

you know you love my shitty camera phone

I sat down in the corner and couldn't help but wonder if the other random people in there were unemployed too. People looking at the paper. People on laptops. I opened up my little notebook and started sketching ideas for a website (which I don't even know if I can do because I haven't created a website since college, and even then it was pretty basic. Reason #273 of why I can't find a job). I sketched for like 43 seconds, and then started writing random shit. I made some lists. I am a freak about writing lists. Then I just started writing the thoughts in my head.

casual jeans guy reading the new york times. is he really reading it because he wants to, or because they are out of the plain dealer? and if he really wants to read it....does he actually read it regularly or is he just trying to look cool? forgot headphones. sort of irritated. guy with the headphones reminded me of this and I am kind of ticked at him. he is wearing work clothes. it's Friday at 11 am. so....why is he here? maybe he has a sweet job. maybe he works from home. maybe he has no job. He is tapping his foot like crazy. Holy shit. Headphones guy looks like a guy I dated. Maybe I should get out of here. Now I'm almost sure it's him. He is tapping both feet at the same time. He looks like he is going to lift off. He always did that. Yikes. must go. how do I get out of here without him seeing me? don't look up. he might see me. I am literally in the back corner of a coffee shop with my hand pushing my hat down on my head. I feel like I'm lurking. shit. where did he go? don't look up. oh my God. you looked up.

After that, I realized he got more coffee. I waited for him to sit back down and I left. Not that I don't like him. It's just that I have no make-up on, I'm sick and coughing, I'm wearing a hoodie and I look like an idiot. Oh, and I'm at a coffee shop in the late morning with a notebook. Seriously? what a loser.

I proceeded to walk around town for an hour. It was nice. I will say the great thing about where I live is that I am a short walk from the lake.

I wish every road ended in a lake.

2 months and 14 days later

2009-03-26T22:05:00.000-04:00

I still don't have a job. And it's not like I'm even able to apply for that many jobs......because there are NONE. There is maybe one graphic design job every three weeks, and I'm assuming every unemployed graphic designer in northeast Ohio sends in their resume. So...it's tough. I am applying for all sorts of shit, just to keep my unemployment benefits and hope that maybe someone will get crazy and call me. So far that hasn't happened.

I have been discouraged. I didn't realize that the economy was really this bad. You hear things all the time, and then it happens to you and you're caught off guard for some reason. I was so shocked...it was horrible. I went through a "maybe this is a good thing" phase...and then after seeing that there are no jobs, my health insurance is gone and I have only been on one interview.....YIKES. You go through the "moping around like a loser" phase.

Now that reality has set in, and my optimism/pessimism has reached a realistic balance.....I'm going to try not to be discouraged. I'm trying to use this time to reflect on my life and what I really want to do. Maybe I want to go back to school. Maybe I want to change careers. Maybe I want to sell beads on the beach in Cancun. I don't even know yet.

So I figured, why walk around in my robe all day drinking coffee and letting these thoughts pile up in my brain like litter after a tailgate party? I might as well throw it out there. Not that you are going to want to read my trash....but I seriously need something to do.